Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Banging the Beautiful!

With all this talk about resolutions and new beginnings, it had me thinking about my bucket list. I would like to share with you all my new addition to the list - Sleeping with a Celebrity.  Has such a nice ring to it, right?  (the other alternative was fucking the famous, but that sounded a tad vulgar).  I'm so excited to complete this task one day, I've been thinking about it throughout my night.  Who will I chose? The question really is actually who would choose me.  It's not like I have James Franco (sexiest man alive) or Christiano Rinaldo lined up at my door, so I would have to go with whoever I can take. I mean don't get me wrong, I do have limits - they have to be male and not like 60 years old.  Sorry, Cher!  Haha I told this to one of my girlfriends when we were watching the repeat of the MTV movie awards (which they have been playing for days now, seriously, they happened months ago mtv) and then that Asian man from the hangover was shown in the audience and she was like "What about him?" Lol I had to decline there, too. It's nothing personal, I love the Asians (NigaHiga <3), but I couldn't have sex with the crazy man that jumps out of the van in the hangover. Listen to me here, I'm acting like I have his number or something haha.

I am just so star-struck. Embarrassingly so. I don't know why it is. In my mind, I imagine myself being so calm and collected and if I saw one, I'd be like "Hey, whats up?" with like a nice little wink face. But my track record tells a whole other story. It probably started when I was about 6 and I went to Disney World.  I have a picture with EVERY character I saw. And I hugged them for hours.  Flash forward to concerts I would wait hours before hand just to get in the front row.  Have you ever seen the show Cake Boss? This summer me and my 2 friends took a road trip to the bakery - it's only about over 2 hours away from my house.  I had originally thought I only wanted to taste a delicious cupcake, but when Buddy opened the window of the second story to wave, I was a goner. I literally fell to my knees screaming Buddy's name. I think I even shed a tear. Everyone in line was waving, but then they looked at me like I was crazy. I seriously don't know what came over me. I don't even watch the freaking show haha. But seeing him I was blown away.

And then last month I went to see Nevershoutnever (I will marry you, christofer drew) and the Maine.  My friend and I pushed through thralls of people to get to the front.  Afterwards, Johnny-O (hotass) from the Maine walked out of the building, and I ran up to him and hugged him. I think I just kept repeating 'I Love You' for about 5 minutes straight as he walked through all the fans. I didn't let go for about a good minute. And I wanted so badly to see Christofer, but my friend insisted that after waiting an hour in the freezing cold in a one shoulder dress that it was time to leave. I refused until one of the members of his band told me that he was chilling with the owner of the place and wouldn't be out for awhile.

I would love to be famous, the famous that walk the red carpet and are all glamorous.  Audiences really motivate me. And the whole sleeping with a celeb, well I would just love to say that I did it.  How cool would that be (lol, if you don't keep up on the whole rich&famous thing, you probably think I'm crazy).

And me, being the psychologist-in-the-making that I am, I have to question why I would want to do such a thing. I think it would probably be for validation purposes. Like the praise of others or the fact that a person of fame status would accept me. I'm not ashamed to admit this haha, you should know well of this by now.

So another item on the bucket list. Tell me bloggies, What is one thing on your bucket list? Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of good things on my bucket list also (write a book, start an anxiety charity, PETA, etc) but also there's some crazy ones. So tell me your crazy ones :)

Time to go lay down now. I'm so tired, I was up til 5 the night before at my friend's house.  I just woke up with a headache though. And my eyelids are dropping little by little.

Happy Hump Day! Lol ironic because this post is about me having sex with a celebrity and it's HUMP day. Okay, yes, yous probably get it haha. Love you, Lovelies <333 Jamie :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Hope is like a Flower

So hope. I was thinking a lot about hope today, and it's most likely due to the fact that I have encountered such a pleasent emotion today. And in this sense, hope is not a question. Hope is not a longing, it is not what will lead me into despair. Rather, hope today for me was a rock. It was a solid conclusion, a literal shining light in my day.

I'm trying to figure out what hope feels like for me, what analogy I could share with you. Imagine flowers, a field of flowers. These flowers are in my chest, and it feels like they're blowing in the wind. It's a light breeze, though. It's either sunset or sunrise, that time of day when the sky is almost pink. You can see every color. And the weather is warm, with a little chill in the air at the same time. It's so peaceful. It's what of has yet to come. It's the future. And when this wind inside me blows, I can feel it in my arms, and more importantly in my heart.

To be honest, I don't feel these good emotions all so often.  It's usually at random periods throughout the day, and they never last long. I don't especially like to point them out, because when I do, I feel as if they slip away faster. The few and far between emotions - hope, patience, a euphoric yearn. Glimpses of satisfaction for only a second. And then they drift away. So I'll hold onto them all. I'll shut my eyes really tight and try to remember everything about the moment that I've felt these feelings in, and how exactly they made me feel. I remember during the summer I had done this, I was just going to a mall, but I felt uncharacteristcally confidant. I usually am not enthused going places so mundane where I could run into someone I know.  But this time, I wanted to see somebody. I wanted to be seen, I felt like I was on top of the world. I held my head higher. There was an obvious comfort in my smile and step. And whenever I'm feeling bad about myself or nervous - I try to channel this day. It was so run-of-the-mill, but that's exactly how confidence should be. It should show in our everyday actions and not only limited to perfomance.

I will grasp my fists so tight - trying to savor every ounce of gratitude out of this hope I'm feeling. I know it won't last forever, no emotion does, except for love.  So I am thankful for today that single moment, because then everything was okay that time. Everything was going to be alright, I just need to keep this attitude going.

Hi lovelies. It's almost 4 in the morning, and I wanted to right this down. I wanted to remember, and now so I will. And now it's shared with all of you. I don't know why I'm still awake at this point, I'm just not that tired. I want to watch the sunrise, it's probably so beautiful in December. But I know I won't make it that long. I have to get up in like 4-5 hours to get ready, and then do my cousins hair and makeup for her prom. Yes, your probably wondering why it will take me so long to do it when the prom isn't until 7 at night. But I want it to be perfect, I don't want it to be rushed. There's nothing I dispise more than trying to do something perfect while someone telling me to hurry up. And I love to fool around with make-up, I'm such a girl. Today I wondered what I looked like with no lips, so I applied concealer and foundation to my lips to make them disappear. I looked sickly, or like a cavewoman. I'll have to do it again and take a picture haha.

So goodnight, sweet dreams. <3 Jamie.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Just give it a Vaccine!

Merry Day after Christmas Bloggies! I hope Santa was good to all of you, he came through for me. I got a new camera :), oh it's the most amazing thing ever. It's a canon something (I'm really not tech/name savvy), but my dad also got me 2 different lenses for it.  So I can zoom and contrast and all that fun stuff. Although I haven't figured everything out, I've still been taking pictures all day. I feel like a Japanese tourist in my own home.  I probably took 800 shots of just my kitchen. There's just so much to be photoed. And my poor little dog Jasper, he probably didn't appreciate me putting him in a scarf and forcing him to sit in front of the Christmas tree.

Also I'm pretty sure my computer has a virus. All these little spyware threat things keep popping up everywhere. I should've gotten a Mac when I was picking out my laptop. My friends who have them say that it's impossibly for them to catch a computer virus. I wonder how that is, if that were possible, why didn't they just make EVERY computer like that. OH Maybe they should give laptops like a vaccine, where they shoot whatever information into the computer that prevents viruses. Wow I am so smart. Wait, they do do that already, they have those anti-virus things. Okay, sorry haha I just kept going until I realized this info, ignore previous rant but CLEVERNESS might I add. They should call anti-virus programs vaccines. Someone market that.

I should have paid money for those vaccines though, what with all the porn I look at (kidding).  I think I got the virus from all these video programs that I've been downloading that convert mp3 videos into mp4s for all the porn that I film (kidding again, I am on a roll today).  But no seriously I made this video for a depression awareness foundation and they want me to upload it as an mp4. So me, being the smart little scholar that I am, decide to download about 5 different FREE converter programs. Great idea Jamie! Like what did I expect haha, seriously. Luckily if this laptop goes, I have my old one still kicking.

Anyway, back to Christmas. I was thinking in the shower today (what is it about the shower that gets your brain going?) about how great it would be if EVERYDAY was either Christmas Eve or Christmas day. Not literally, but just the atmosphere of them. Like for example, if we treated tomorrow like Christmas Eve - then everyone would be in great moods anticipating the coming of Tuesday.  Everyone would be so excited for Tuesday, because Tuesday would be treated like Christmas. If we treated every two days like this, it'd be constant happiness. The anticipation and then the ACTUAL day. But the beauty of it would be that the days are just normal days.  It's like getting excited for class the next day and then celebrate going to class. Maybe we should add New Years Eve in there, too. Just so we could toast something every third night and take some shots.

Unfortunately, everyday cannot be like this.  But on the plus side, Christmas week still continues! I watched Home Alone 2 today, and it is the funniest movie of all time. I laughed so much (Suck brick kid!) , and even almost shed a tear at the end (oh that Christmas tree scene). And at the end of this week is New Years <3 So something to look forward to!

So again, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas day:) Let the fun continue! I will talk to yous tomorrow - Holly Jolly Jamie ;)

Friday, December 24, 2010

T'was the Night Before Christmas

Merry Christmas Eve to all :) Who's excited for tomorrow?! Well, technically today, since it's almost 1 a.m. I know I am, me and my family each got to open one gift this evening.  I opened Viva La Juicy perfume <3 Oh it's love. Juicy makes the BEST fragrances.

So I know everyone has their own religion, and I respect all of them.  I just wanted to share a story that my priest told us during the homily about a couple of years ago. It has just stuck with me ever since, and since Jesus was born on Christmas Night, I thought I'd share it. I'm catholic by the way (Roman Catholic Christian more specifically).

There was a young girl, Lindsey, who argued with her parents about going to Christmas Eve mass.  Lindsey just wasn't sure she believed Jesus Christ was God's son, and was angry for her family for making her go each year.  She was struggling with her faith, so this year she decided not to go to Church.

While her family was at mass, Lindsey heard something hit into the window. She quickly ran over to see what it was, and she found a couple of birds flying into the window.  Realizing they were trying to come into the house because it was so cold outside, Lindsey opened a door in her barn.  She hoped the birds would fly in there to protect themselves from the winter winds. However, the birds wouldn't fly in, they kept hitting the window trying to get inside.  Lindsey then thought maybe if she put food in the barn, they'd smell it and fly in.  Yet, this, too, didn't guide the birds. Lindsey started to worry about how cold it was, and she was so frustrated in not being able to help these creatures.  Lindsey just wished maybe if she could become one of the birds, she could lead the them, show them the way.  She could guide them into the barn, so they would know themselves.  Suddenly, something in her head just clicked.

That's exactly what God did for us.  God wanted to show us the way, so he became man through his son Jesus.  He sent Jesus to show us how to live, and how to love.  How to do good upon this earth and how to live in peace in harmony.  God wanted to guide US out of the cold, sinless world, and lead us into a world of faith and warmth.  It all made sense to Lindsey now, she understood why God sent his son, and it was easy for her to see.  Realizing this, Lindsey quickly grabbed her coat and tried to still make the Christmas Mass.

It was such a simple story, but it made sense to me.  It painted such a clear picture.  Jesus was born to show us the way and to love us.

That's all I will leave you with tonight.  I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas.  And if you don't celebrate Christmas, then have a Happy Holiday :).  God bless and good will to all <3.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

How do you like me now?

Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect? Maybe you've seen the movie (Ashton Kutcher, hottiee! Except in that scene where he doesn't have any limbs, that was creepy). But in short, the butterfly effect is the idea that one moment in time and what you chose to do in that moment sets off a chain reaction of events. Life is so complex, one little experience can change the whole course of your life. I find it so interesting, and it constantly reiterates the fact, for me at least, that everything happens for a reason. What reasons, I'm not so sure, but none of us will know that. I want you to think of your own life and think about how the smallest things you do affects your life.

It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. - Chaos Theory

How bizarre.  I always think about everyone's ultimate plan, also. How I've played a role in everyone's life. And more so, what would everyone's life be like had I not existed? (I know, morbid. But this is what I think about before I sleep). And although maybe we all feel like this world would be better off without us, we have all made a positive mark on another person's life. More that just one, probably a dozen. Around Christmas, they always do the 'Toys for Tots'.  I'm sure some of you or your family has donated, and think about this.  Say you donated a toy plane to a boy.  That boy then might become fascinated with planes, and then he might want to become a pilot. You've basically given a reason for this little boy to continue on, you've given him a dream. And although it's frustrating because you can't see the effects, you inadvertently might've given him a future.

I always regret quitting gymnastics when I was younger. I felt like I could've been great at it; I'm short and petite.  But then I think, if I would've done gymnastics, I wouldn't of played basketball. Then in highschool, I wouldn't have met my two best friends who played on the team. And those two girls were the ones that got me through my toughest times, and I've helped them through theirs, especially the one's eating disorder.  Sometimes you don't see results of your actions for years in advance. So look back, and see the positive results small changes have made.

Or I can think of immediate results. My last boyfriend, I met at a party. I wasn't even sure if I was going to drink or stay over, but I did. That party, we met and hooked up all night. A couple weeks later, we were together. And then I saw the asshole in him. He cheated on me, and even though it hurt like hell, now I can say I'm glad it happened. If I hadn't gone to that party, I never would have met the kid. He never would have broke my heart, but then I wouldn't be so naive about boys. I learned to know what good qualities I want in a man, and how I should be treated.

See how sometimes everything works out? It's so crazy. And even though I'm going through a confusing time in my life (as I'm sure all of you are), I always take hope in fact that maybe everything will work out. Nothing is easy at first, and sometimes just go with the flow.  And even though there are some bad times, look at the past year in your life. You remember the good more than the bad. We define our experiences by the HIGH points that take place, not the bad ones.

So tell me bloggies, what decisions or experiences in your life have occurred that you think set off the butterfly effect?

Until now, I had no idea you could change the color of your text when your posting. I thought everyone that did had all these complicated codes. But how do you like me now?

Haha, but okay rest of the day for me is going to be busy busy busy. I'm going shopping for my brother's girlfriend, and then out to eat with my friends. Me and my one friend were supposed to get up and zumba this morning at the gym, but we were too tired haha. We did it yesterday, and I LOVED IT! You bootyshake and everything haha. And everytime you swung your hips a certain way, the instructor would say - Sexy Time! And there was even like 60 year old women there that didn't even break a sweat, I was like damn. But it's so fun, I advise everyone to try it. It does wonders for your abs. It's like a giant dance party.

Love yous :) Talk to you tomorrow<3 3 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS!! Jamerz.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Bright Night

I know it's a little early, but I've been thinking a lot about new year's resolutions. Maybe that's not even what it is, maybe it's just that I'm trying to figure out what I want. That seems to be what everything in my life revolves around right now, that simple question - "What do you want?" That's what this blog should be called, the quest to find out what I want.

Cause I don't know, not at all. Not in the slightest. I'm in such a fog of indecisiveness and doubt that I feel like I can't see clearly. Today I spent all day with my best friend, who probably is the person I admire the most. She wants to be work in fashion in New York, and no matter what she never let's anything discourage her. She has the most amazing, bubbly personality that is so contagious. She flies by the seat of her pants, taking whatever opportunity comes her way. And I love her for that, she makes me want to motivate myself.

I was also reading the book "Smile for the Camera" earlier this afternoon, and some just before.  It's a memoir of this model who at 16, moved to New York to become a model. In the story, she always flashes back to her abusive father, and even though she has a lot of hardships, she becomes successful.  I admire her, too, she has the strength to never look back. That's such an important quality to have.

2 things that I pondered most today - The first being that I believe all great actresses/musicians/models/anyone famous all have gone through some kind of trauma in their life. You here about these people who were poor growing up, or were homeless at one time, who ran away from home, or some kind of abuse/drug addict parent.  This is where a lot of people got their strength from.

The other thought I pondered is that I wish I could just be thrown in New York, just for a year and see how I'd survive.  The thought of being alone and in a huge place like that already has me anxious.  But then again, I feel like it's a test of strength.  No matter how stressed you'd be, you have no decision but to keep on living. You have to, and that's a lot like real life, too.

I have no idea what this pointless blog post was all about, I'm just so confused. And tired, and I'm waiting for the eclipse. The moon has been so bright these past couple of nights, and it lights up everything. I love it, cold December. Busy day tomorrow, I'll write then. With some real thoughts haha, I'm sure of it. Goodnight, loves.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Fred wants to cheat on Kelly!

Today was a sleep-til-2 day, a finally-done-the-semester day.  Aside from showering, dancing to 'I Can Transform Ya' on repeat on iTunes, and driving my car to meet some people, that was about the only physical activity I've had today.  Other than that, I haven't moved from my bed.  I've just been so freaked out about the future lately, but that's not what I'm hear to talk about.  I've begun to notice how I react to the anxiety and stress, rather, my defense mechanisms.

We all have our own defense mechanisms, and today I have become fascinated with all of them. I always thought it was just 'run as fast as you can' or 'step up and ninja drop kick.'  But in actuality there's the 'cold-shoulder', 'punching the wall' (literally), and many more. So before you read on, I ask you, what do you THINK your defense mechanism is? Maybe I should quickly explain what a def mech is.  It is how our ego (so freudian, I know) handles itself and reacts to anxiety, self-image, and conflict. So without further ado, let's dive into how we handle things.  Hope you brought you scuba gear (Jamie, you need to stop these lame puns, I know haha)!

1) Lets start out with the first one, the most common one. Denial. Denial is simply refusing to acknowledge or accept a situation is occurring or to consciously realize an obvious truth. For example, let's say your boyfriend is cheating on you.  You have read the text messages in his phone, your friends have told you, and hell, you've even seen a video of the two of them banging one out that your boyfriend has sent to his buddies.  Instead of accepting this fact, you simply deny it.  You act like it isn't happening and just continue on in the relationship like everything is perfect.  Denial may make the anxiety go away for a little while, but it takes SO much energy to do so.  Because of this, your body has to also use other def mechs just to keep the feelings down away from your consciousness.

2) Repression, also known as my best friend.  Repression keeps worries out of my mind, he makes all the embarrassing and bad moments that I've experienced in my life out of my head.  But in the clinical terms, repression is the act of keeping information out of conscious awareness.  Ever hear of the phrase ignorance is bliss? This applies to repression.  I say it's my best friend also because this is probably the def mech I use the most.  If something is bothering me, say I'm anxious about what apartment I'm living in next year, I simply will just push it out of my mind, physically try and will it away. However, this mech does have it's repercussions.  If a person has repressed feelings about being abused in childhood, he or she may have difficulty getting close to someone and have a fear of trust.

3) Have you ever just had a bad day where nothing seems to go right? You wake up in the morning and you cut yourself right on your ankle while shaving, your bangs won't cooperate and lay just the right way, and you get to class only to realize you forgot to study for the quiz you had today.  After all this anger and annoyance is built up in you, you meet your friend for lunch and randomly start yelling at her for being 2 minutes late for lunch and questioning her why she wore those boots again because they are so ugly.  This taking out your feelings on someone else is called displacement.  In using this defense mechanism, it's easier to argue and express your feelings to someone that poses no threat to us - which would be friends, significant others, and even pets.

4) Sometimes we just get so frustrated and aggravated that we just have to hit something.  This is sublimation, the defense mechanism that allows us to act out rash impulses by converting these behaviors into a more acceptable form, such as kickboxing.  This is like using an outlet, and also the def mech that Freud considers mature people to use.  It sounds so much cleaner that the first three already haha, even though it's not the easiest.  Our mind is already programmed with complicated, and even though going for a run might seem so logical while were under stress, it's not the first choice our mind takes sometimes.

5) Projection is when a person denies their own thoughts and emotions and then ascribes them to the outside world.  I was confused a little when I read this, but when I read an example, it helped me understand.  Say Fred is considering cheating on Kelly.  Instead of dealing with these thoughts consciously, Fred unconsciously projects his feelings and attributes them to Kelly, and now Fred thinks Kelly is the one who is cheating on him.  In this way, Fred won't feel guilty anymore because he believes Kelly is doing the same to him, therefore reducing his anxiety.

6) Intellectualization tries to reduce anxiety by thinking about events in terms of facts and logic without any feelings.  For example, say a person is diagnosed with cancer.  Instead of allowing their feelings to get in the way, they focus on learning everything about the disease in order to avoid the reality of the situation.  Have you ever seen the movie 'My Sister's Keeper?' Cameron Diaz plays a Mom who goes through intellectualization where she researches everything about the disease and how to keep her daughter alive instead of having to deal with the pain of having a sickly child.

7) The defense mechanism that involves explaining unacceptable or hurtful behavior in a rational, logical manner is called rationalization.  This often protects our ego and self-esteem the most and is effective in reducing anxiety.  An example would be blaming a failed test score on the exam professor rather than their own lack of preparation.  Or another would be telling yourself 'I wasn't attracted to that person, anyway," after you've gotten turned down from a date.  It's rationalizing our and others behavior to make ourselves feel better.

8) When confronted by stressful event, some people will abandon all their learned coping strategies and revert into patterns of behavior used in earlier life. This is called regression.  The behavior we tend to revert back to depends upon the psycho-sexual stage of development we are fixated on.  For example, a person that is fixated at the oral stage may turn to eating or smoking when going through a difficult time (oral = mouth = food, ciggies).  Or a person fixated at the anal stage may revert to cleaning or reorganization their entire closet (think of someone being 'anal' and having to have everything just right).

9) This next defense mech is kind of ironic to me.  It's called reaction formation, and it is taking up the opposite feeling we feel to reduce anxiety.  An example of this would be treating a person we cannot stand in an excessively kind and friendly manner in order to conceal our true feelings. 

These are Freud's defense mechanisms that I have described to you.  He was a crazy guy, but I believe he was very intelligent.  So, tell me bloggies, which ones apply to you?

Personally, I use the repression and rationalization the most.  And it's not uncommon to use a bunch of different ones throughout different situations.

I would love to stay and chat more, but now it's 4:20 in the morning, and I have to get up early to go Christmas shopping.  I'm embracing for the crowds, but I LOVE IT! I love the hustle and bustle and the Christmas music throughout the stores. It's truly the most, wonderful time of the yeaaarrrr. So goodnight, I think the room is spinning to me. I've been thinking about these def mechs to much haha, time to lay down. Goodnight <3

Friday, December 17, 2010

Riding the Wave

Having a a little blossom of anxiety budding itself write now. And instead of ignoring it (which I usually do, or I try to put it out of my mind), I'm deciding to bring it out here into the open.  I just haven't found out which method is more successful yet - just pushing things out of your mind, like saying to yourself 'stop worrying, enough is enough' or to address the issue and try and move on.  I'm sure it's the latter, therapists ALWAYS tell you to reach inside you and pull out your inner thoughts.  Better to bring things to surface, right?

So tonight while we were hanging out, one of my guy friends was telling me to go ask this one kid sitting next to our group of friends for his number. He was in the next row of tables over, and I couldn't see him, so I was like guys shut up. But they kept persisting me so I just got up to turn around to look at the guy.  And it was actually really sad - he was sitting alone and he was kind of goth but not like hardcore (earrings, black clothes).  Is this judgmental? I don't know, but that's how I perceived him.  But I got the feeling like he knew we were talking about him.  And I just felt like a bitch for even standing up.  I worried just so much that I had hurt this kids feelings.  So then I left awhile after, and I saw this car in the back of the parking lot with their headlights on, and I just for some reason thought it was the kid (I actually have no idea if it was or not, I don't think it was though) But I just became really anxious.

As I drove home I just kept thinking someone was in my backseat of my car, so I kept turning around and feeling around.  Don't you just hate that? I compulsively believe there is something in my car, especially around my feet. This just all made me anxious, and now I'm in the process of trying to shake it.  So after this I'm going to accept that I'm anxious, and then go watch something that'll make me laugh (that's my personal technique - accept feelings, and then move on to laughter).

But what really got me was that kid.  Sometimes I don't realize how little of an action can really affect someone. It's true what they realize that smiles go a long way.  Think of how happy you'd be if someone just smiled at you instead of giving you an emotionless look or even a glare.  When I'm on my period, even when someone says 'Have a nice day' I almost burst into tears.  So I'm making my goal to try to just in general smile more at people, try to make them have a good day (I hope I don't give like a creepy smile though, cause that would probably make them anxious lol and the situation would be a fail). I want to brighten someones day instead of making people feel insecure. Maybe that kid next to us didn't even hear a word we said, or he thought nothing of the whole situation.  But I did, and it made me realize all of this.  Don't be a bitch and stare, it's rude.  Especially to a stranger, they did nothing wrong to you.  So like I said before, it's time to throw on some smiles. Think of how happier the world would be if we all smiled more (cliche! but so true). Happiness is a chain reaction, and it's our job to be it's links.

Coming down of this anxiety wave that I'm riding (well, I hope), time to surf into some sweatpants (jamie, you are not funny).  I love being cozy, I love coming home from being out and changing into sweats and my snuggie <3 Yes, I have a snuggie, it's pink and the children's size because I stand at a whopping 5'1.  Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that haha. But yes, I'm a shawty. See how sexy it becomes when I put it like that? WIN!

Goodnight, lovelies. <3 Jamieee.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Whenever I want you, All I have to do, is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam

So I had a dream last night.  I was laying on my back, looking up into the sky and there were all these eagles flying around.  It was beautiful; the sky was bright blue and I could literally feel the sunlight on me (literally, I woke up sweating).  It was so peaceful. Although I couldn't figure out WHY I had such a dream.

I usually hate going to bed, I always have either really depressing dreams or flat out nightmares.  In all of them the sky is either dark or it's cloudy and raining, and most of the time there's some chaos going on.  And in a lot of them, I'm stumbling around like I'm so weak or I'm drunk in a way but not from like drinking.  It's like I can't breathe.  For example, the other night there was going to be a snowstorm that killed everyone AND a bacterial infection that was also killing everyone so I tried to escape by driving but then I hit someone and they died.  So much drama.  And I always try to wake myself up from dreams usually by slapping myself in the face.  But did you ever have one of those dreams where like you realize it's a dream and then you 'wake-up' but your still in the dream? It's frustrating, that happens a lot too.  So you can see why dreaming isn't a pleasant experience.  I attribute most of these dreams to stress and indecisiveness and just from being discouraged.

If you couldn't tell already, I'm really big into dreams.  I believe they are the key to our subconscious.  I believe all dreams mean something, no matter what.  They say something about what's going on inside us.  What you face in you're real life, your subconscious has to deal with.  In dealing with it, it is reflected in our dream state.  Some people view it as an escape from the real world, but I believe some things are spelled out BIGGER in our dreams then in our real life.  We don't know how what our subconscious thoughts are in real life, but in our dreams, they're symbolized with weird scenarios and symbols.

So when I had such a pleasant dream with the beautiful sky and eagles, it really threw me for one.  I looked up the symbols, and it said the eagles represent courage and self-renewal - but also a struggle to find out my greatest desires (how true is that, look at the last blog I wrote - freakkyyy).  And then the sky symbolized hope and possibilities.  The sun represented enlightenment, fortune, and insight.  Now granted there were so many other symbols, these stuck out the most.  It just boggles my mind - yesterday I was freaking out about the future and then a good dream (I was anticipating me being on the freaking Titanic while it was sinking last night).

And yeah, maybe that's all it is, just a dream, just an escape.  But I'll take the other road.  I pray every night that God will help me realize what's going on and what I should do.  While this didn't give me much of a clue (I always look for signs everywhere lol, it's pathetic. If I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to do with my life and I pass like a bakery, I'm like OH I SHOULD BE A BAKER.  Haha, but no, psychology is where my heart is), it did give me some peace of my.  I just gotta have faith, faith in God and faith in myself.  "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." I know, I know, maybe I look into this stuff way too much, but that's the kind of person I am.  I'm into psychology so much, and the whole zen thing.  I try to zen before every exam that I take. That means I close my eyes and try to forget everything I studied - like my mind is a blank notebook.  And then when I take the test, just let the answers come to me (well, I try. It doesn't always work haha).

Is that quote I wrote up there even relevant? I think lol, I'm pretty sure.  My question for yous is What did you dream last night?  If you comment below, I'll be sure to reply with what the symbols mean, and try to analyze as best as I can (adventures in dreaming with amateur in the making psychologist, Dr. Jamie).  Also I noticed I wrote 'yous'.  Does anyone else use that term for a group of people? I think it might be a Pennsylvania thing.  I also say 'warsh' instead of 'wash'.  I always get teased for it because none of my friends say it, only my family and relatives. I think that's like a farm thing haha, it's so bad I even say 'Warshington' and I even spell it that way when I'm writing it down, embarrassing.  What are you're slang terms?

So that's it.  I was going to post last night but I fell asleep earlier then I planned, around 2 a.m. I'm usually up til like 4, but I was just oh so tired.  I stayed up til 5 the night before studying and distractions and what not.  I will talk to you's tomorrow :).  Happy dreaming, - Jamie <3

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I am woman watch me grow, See me standing toe to toe!

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." - Judy Garland
I was reading today (instead of studying for my bio final) about the 100 greatest screen actresses of all time, and became fascinated.  All these woman were like the first movie stars ever, and they looked so glamorous - Bette Davis, Audrey Hepburn, Judy Garland.  All so iconic, all have made their mark in the cinema world that will last forever.  All such powerful woman, and all went through such personal struggles.  Audrey Hepburn had a few miscarriages trying to conceive and battled cancer.  Greta Garbo suffered depression and often just wanted to alone and away from the fame. And Elizabeth Taylor was married 8 times.  Yet all these woman are admirable, look at all they've accomplished. There so much like us, like regular people following their dreams.

Have you ever heard of the 'Halo Effect'? It's when we place often people of great social status or beauty to be better than us or that we see them in the light of that they have no trouble, their life is perfect.  Sometimes we forget that people are people, we all go through struggles.  And these woman show we can all rise and do whatever we put our minds to, no matter what we're going through. (I'm feeling really feminist today, I'm on the rag.  I just cried over the commercial with the polar bear and how he hugs that man for buying a 'green' car. ITS SO CUTE!)

Anyway, I really wrote this to talk about the quote "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." Because as I was reading this, I was like 'Wow, that is such a good quote.' So true, too.  However, I have one question. What if we don't know who in the world we are yet?! I don't know what kind of person I am, moods and feelings on certain things change everyday! I don't know what I want in my life yet. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 5 years, let alone 1 year! How many of you feel that way?

But I'm here to tell you (and myself) that IT'S OKAY! We don't have to know any of that. We are supposed to try new things and make mistakes. We are supposed to be crazy and dream.  We aren't supposed to have it all figured out yet, but isn't that the beauty of it? I'll admit, sometimes (are you in denial Jamie? most of the time) I am stressing out too much about what's going to happen in the future.  But I've decided that that's alright.  All we need to do is trust in ourselves. And I do believe that's what else the quote says - to trust. We are complicated beings, and we feel every emotion with every fiber of our beings. And the actresses above I'm sure at some point didn't have any idea what they were doing, but things turned out pretty good for them.  Did you ever hear the song, 'I am Woman, Hear Me Roar' by Helen Reddy?.  If you haven't dl that.  It's a great and will put you in such a good mood.  As the lyrics go, 'I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman, hear me roar!' (I know, so cheesy, give it a chance though haha. It was on sex and the city 2, and it makes you want to throw your fist in the air.)

So loves, my question of the day to you is how do I get rid of period cramps? Just kidding haha (but really it feels like someone has punched me in the ovaries).  But the real question is "What is one thing you know about yourself?" It could be one of your personality traits or just something you know you want in your life. We may not know everything, but we do know some things :). One thing I know about my personality is that I am more confidant when I have others behind me.  I work better one-on-one than in large groups.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, stats ruled my life.  And today I had to hand in the test, and my professor didn't have his usual glasses on today and his piercing blue eyes made me stutter. He is gorgeous.  And now off to study for biology.  I have a final at 8 in the morning tomorrow, definitely not so fun.  However I did curl my hair tonight so tomorrow it'll be nice and fluffy, so that's a plus.  I can sleep til about 7. I need to have breakfast before I take the test, I'm a breakfast eater.  Probably some cheerios, oh and a banana. Okay, I'm rambling haha. 

Until tomorrow cupcakes! Remember - You are woman, Roar! Haha, <33 Jamie.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Drench Yourself In Words Unspoken

Hi there. My name is Jamie and I am socially awkward, but once you get to know me, I can really open up and be a lot of fun.

This is what I would say if I met someone new who could be a potential friend.  I wish I could just walk up to someone and say this, I feel like it'd be such an honest thing to say.  I get intimidated by new people (sometimes, only. other times I can be fast forward like your DVD player! But for situational purposes, I'm going to use when I feel shy) so easily sometimes, so I feel like if I said this, it'd just bare my true feelings for all to see. Just for one day, I wish that all inhibitions could be let go. I wish as soon as you'd talk to someone, both of person's honest opinions just flew right out of their mouth. Think of all the things that could be said if nothing held you back, if there were no secrets. Just honest ramblings.

Don't you just wish you could be brutally honest with the people in your life?  Be able to tell them what you honestly think, but there would be a catch. There'd be no hard feelings. I know, I know, impossible right? But just think of the possibilities. What things have you been holding back that you'd really just want to say to people.

These all don't have to necessarily bad things.  Although, they are the most things we tend to conceal.  There the things we want to get off our chest. I'm going to make you all do an exercise now, ten push ups! (oh Jamie, you are SO not funny, please stop with the jokes) A little exercise, pick 3 people you want to say something too, and write what you would say.

1) I would say this to one of my best friends - I know you found love, and I'm so glad you're happy. But I freaking miss you. You dropped off the face of the earth, and seem to not care. I chat with you when i see you, but we haven't talked to eachother, really talked in weeks. Where did my best friend go? Do you not care?

2) Mother - Sometimes you have to encourage me instead of saying to me, 'maybe you shouldn't do this' or 'that sucks you have to do that'. I wish you would've pushed me more when I was younger. Where's the motivation your supposed to give to me when I talk to you? Do you not believe in me? Don't you want to see me follow my dreams?

3) Boy who sit's behind me in my music class - Hey, sir. I've been stealing glances at you for the whole semester now.  You are sexy and I want to jump your bones when you walk past me to your seat. Let's chill sometime.

Usually I don't have a hard time talking to boys, I actually find them much more easier to talk to than girls.  I don't know why that is. I think because I feel like girls are always judging you, always looking for impressions given off. Guys are so easy going and just don't care half of the time.

So, tell me bloggies, What would you say to someone if you could be brutally honest?

I was in the middle of my flashcards for my psych final tomorrow when I was just thinking about all this honesty. It basically stemmed from what I said in the beginning, how I just wish when you met someone new that you could just tell them, almost make them understand you better just from the first words you said. How much easier that could be, how easy could it break the ice. For someone like me, anyway. Other people just have that charisma I guess. I should take a charisma class. I wonder if they even exist.

I'm in a peculiar mood right now too. It feels like a longing, for what, I don't know (do I ever know? no.) I can attribute this mood to a couple of things though. The first being I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' which is pretty much the saddest movie of all time. Have you ever seen it? It's about a girl dying from cancer, and her sister who uses her blood and organs and such to help keep her alive.  I cried through the whole thing.  Especially the beach scene with the family (cry, cry) Kids with cancer are so brave.

I can also attribute it too I'M JUST SO SICK OF STUDYING. Thanksgiving break is a giant tease. I had a whole week off, and ever since I just can't get back into the grind. I'm so checked out. I need some wine over here.

Well, time to get back to studying.  I'm learning right now about elderly in the lifespan, and right now making a flash card on 'death as viewed by an older adult'. Are you freaking kidding me? As if exams could get any more depressing. And now would be a good time to insert the gratitude journal > 1) Praying 2) Pens that write nice 3) Christmas songs. Do you know what's a great one? 'Something About Christmas Time' - by Bryan Adams. So true, dl (download. why did I even insert an acronym if I was going to tell you anyway haha?)  Deuces! :) Jamiee <3

Saturday, December 11, 2010

We Got This!

"Change is constant." Such a true quote.  Nothing stays the same forever.  I am the type of person that tries to milk everything out of a certain moment, I try to soak up EVERYTHING in a particular time in my life.  However, this also has it's down sides - I'm afraid of the next step.  I waste my time doing something so I don't have to move on to a new beginning. 

Change occurs when the pain of remaining the same outweighs the fear of the pain of change.

Also a true quote, true for me anyway.  Let me put this in terms of an example.  I heard someone explain this quote as such, and then I immediately understood.  Okay so say you wake up in the morning because you have to pee, but you don't want to get out of bed.  Your bed is SO comfortable that you don't want to get out onto the cold floors.  So this is what you decide between: either staying the same, so laying in bed having to really pee, OR getting up to relieve the pain of having to pee so badly.  Get it? So eventually, change must occur, unless you want to piss yourself.  Which in life, if you don't change, you can end up also, figuratively speaking, piss yourself. 

It's not that people don't want to change, I believe, it's that people are afraid.  I am one of those people.  I never adapted well to new things occurring, which is the reason I believe I have my anxiety disorder.  How many of you have looked into the future and felt fear? Maybe it's exciting fear, or even that pit in the stomach. omgimgoingtofail fear.  Both are normal, it's part of life. So for all of you being afraid of a change, or even being nervous about it. You're not alone.  And I;m going to try and help.  This is me trying to be a future psychologist (watch out!).  If this doesn't work out however, I think I'm going to move to Las Vegas and become a burlesque dancer. I just saw the movie 'burlesque' last night with christina and cher. I absolutely loved it, and now it's making me think becoming a burlesque dancer might be a good move for me. Good money, hot men, right? (haha, just playing. actually, no I'm not)

But anyway back to helping with adapting to change.  I'm going to give you the best compilation of advice that I think can help you.

1) Take a deep breath, inhale (mmmm), exhale (ahhhh).

2) Accept that change is going to occur.  It's inevitable.  Try to think that a new experience is ahead of you, and that number one, you're a strong person for even taking on the challenge. Accept that things might be hard, and accept that there will be times when you want to give up.  But always know that you can handle this. Once acceptance occurs, it's time for the next step. (You might have to repeat this step over and over and over again. These things take time)

3) Try to go into a new change with an open mind.  A positive, open-mind.  Go into whatever you're next step is with the mind frame 'I got this." Or, for the more provocative, 'I'm going to kick some ass'.  Come on, you can do this.  Confidence is key, and really, what have you got to lose? If you start out in a change, you're already at the bottom, or maybe at a low threshold, and you're going to work your way up.  Think you can be the kind of person that can handle this and can make things happen.  Even if you don't truly believe this, keep saying it to yourself. Say it over and over again until you believe it, because EVERYONE has the power inside themselves to be that confidant person, you just gotta set yourself free.

4) Vent to someone you love or care about.  Tell them you're afraid.  Don't be embarrassed, because I'm almost absolutely positive that the person you talk to will have been afraid of change, too. Keep this person also when you're adapting to the change, talking is important. Everyone has been here before, as I said, you are not alone.  You are not alone, for I am here with you.  Though you're far awayyyy, I am here to stay.  (Quick Michael Jackson shout out haha, love you mj!)

5) Follow your dreams. I have to throw this in there, corny as it is.  Changing is apart of achieving you're dreams.

I think i've covered it. I'm no expert, but I thought I'd throw out some advice, this is also for me too haha. Sometimes I need to talk myself into things. And I write as if I'm telling just not all of you this, but to me too.  We're in this together chickas and chickos.  What change am I going through, you ask? Well, it's transferring from my tiny branch campus to another college.  I'm not even sure which one yet, but I'm searching.  I have to this, and I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified.

Deep breath, Jamie. Accept the fear. Feel it.

And thus ends today's therapy session everyone haha. Now time for some gratitudeness (aka the gratitude journal)

(since I've already been numbering things, why not use some letters?!) a - My friend Kyle - always is happy to see me, and always just puts a smile on my face. 

b - Curling Iron - got a new one today, and works wonders. I love curls, makes me feel all burlesque.  I'm seriously considering this as a career path haha (jk). Gotta get my high kick a little higher tho.

c - My stat's professor. Always understanding. And incredibly sexy. If I had him alone, ohhh the things I would do to that man. He actually is nerdy, but the way he explains stats and is so smart really entices me.  And he's good looking.  I'll show him how to conduct an anova, on my body ;). Probability of this actually happening, well let's just saw p<.05.

So embrace all these emotions, I'm trying to. Tell me, followers, What was the biggest change in your life that you've had trouble adapting to? And where did that change lead you to today?

Til tomorrow, turtle doves. I'm really hungry for some reese's peanut butter cups. I think I might go have one haha, oh guilty pleasures. Love yous! Jamie <3

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Strength Comes in all Forms

I was lying here, in my bed (trying to get to bed early again, stupid 8 a.m. psych lab) when many thoughts were starting to trickle inside my mind.  It was like a bunch of little streams that eventually all combined in a lake.  I would invite you to come swim in this lake (oh wow that just sounded creepy, nice intro Jamie).  But let me share with you what I was thinking about.  I'll give you a hint, John Cena (Orgasm) has lot's of this, physically though...

No, it's not lot's of money - it's Strength.  I was thinking about how sometimes the people who we consider to be weak or unstable are actually some of the strongest people.  From the outside it's easy to judge and easily dismiss their sometimes outlandish behavior as just being desperate.  But a couple examples came to mind.

Being that girl who keeps going back to the asshole boyfriend - Ladies, I'm sure you've all been here or has had a friend that's been here.  If you've had a friend that is like this, you probably are just about ready to scream about how stupid she is and wondering why can't she shake them.  You might think of her as being pathetic.  And I can see why you would think that, it's hard to watch your best friend be broken so many times.  And ladies, if you've ever been that girl, I applaud you.  See, being in a relationship with a complete dick is something that wares on you.  How do these girls display strength you might ask?  Well, I think in a number of ways.  Sure, they might be in denial (I know I was) but strength does show in mysterious ways.  The first being of having the strength to not give up.  Perseverance is a great quality to have.  How hard is it to wake up and go through the day knowing that this guy is treating you like shit.  He disrespects you, but you believe that you can change him.  This belief, this faith in the belief is strong.  It might not be right, as you can't always change people, but the strength is there in the belief.  It takes courage to constantly put yourself out their in the batting cage without a helmet. Crying herself to sleep every night, the intense verbal arguments, the things you try to do to please him but comes up empty. It can be draining, but the girl will still go on anyway, fighting for something she believes in.  That takes courage.  Fighting for love takes courage, even if it's a lost cause because the guy just truly doesn't care. It's a personal thing to go through, but I guarantee all ladies come out of this stronger in some way.

The college freshman - I always tell people there is nothing more scary than being a college freshman.  For me it was that way anyway.  But I've talked to many people, and many people agree.  A lot of people see college freshman as being weak or naive, and in some ways they are and we were.  Think about it though, you live 18 years of your life with your family in a little comfort bubble, sheltered from the real world.  And in three short months from your high school graduation to your first day, that world as you know it is over.  You have to start fresh thousands of people you never met, living on your own.  You pursue the world on your dreams, and that takes courage.  And it's not easy at first.  Making friends might come hard for some people, or maybe it's the adjusting to the hard courses.  And the thing is that no one ever really admits they don't like college in that first month.  All you ever hear from people is 'I love it,' even when they might be having a hard time.  I had a hard time at first, but after adjusting, I loved the independence.  This change takes courage, never forget that. If you ever think of yourself as being weak, think of a change you've went through. Courage can be found everywhere. I applaud you, college freshman.

Anorexics - Let me start off first by saying I do not approve of this disorder in anyway, nor do I ever encourage it. If you're feeling bad about your weight, I always encourage you to talk to someone, communication is key.  Anyways though, yes, anorexics.  I've stumbled on a lot of blogs out there in which people blog about how their trying to be this image of perfect.  It's hard to read, but anorexics are brave people.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to simply just not eat? To give up or cut out most of your food, that takes some serious will power. This is also fighting something they believe in, and even it's a distorted version of 'perfect', they somehow want to better themselves.  And concealing the idea for the dignity of themselves, this pride also takes courage.  Although I cannot condone what you do to your bodies, I respect your courage, anorexics.

You might all disagree with this post.  You might say, Jamie, doesn't leaving you're asshole boyfriend, being honest about you're true hard feelings of being a freshman, or turning away from anorexia and getting help take more courage? And you would be right, all those things can take more courage to do and are what many see as the right thing to do.  Although that is not what this post is about.  It's about looking at things from a new angle, trying to see what's on the inside of these tough situations.  I love the underdog, and will always hope good things for them.  I just wanted to share how stereotypically weak people are actually strong in their own way. 

I'm worried about me posting the thing about anorexia. I just want to let you all know that I do not support it, please don't take it the wrong way. I'm just saying I can sympathize.  If any of you are anorexic, please, please talk to someone. Your life won't always be seen through the eyes of thin forever, I promise things can get better.

On a lighter note, time for the gratitude diary. And tomorrow, well technically today :) is Friday! Woohoo! What's on your agenda for the weekend, bloggers? Let me know!

1) Family - I don't think I can put into words what having family just being there for me means to me.  I'm blessed. 

2) Grocery shopping - whenever I grocery shop I truly feel like a Mom. I love it. I can't wait to have kids someday, and have the cute pregnant belly! So yes haha, I'm thankful for grocery stores I suppose

3) Last music class :)! I did love music, I find classical music to be so relaxing to listen too, but I'm so thankful that class is over with for the semester haha.

Goodnight, Loves. My eyes are literally closing as I type this.  Need... sleep... now... :).

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It was the size of a Pickle Jar

Hello my little bloggies.  My condolences to those who were excruciatingly, practically PINING for a post yesterday.  Unfortunately I pulled an all-nighter doing a sociology report.  It look me about 8 hours, but me, being the procrastinating bitch that I am, started at 10 at night.  But how could I start any earlier, I mean freaking home alone 2 was on! The funniest Christmas movie ever. (However, I will admit that I did cry when Kevin and his mom reunited at the Rockefeller Christmas tree.  That music always gets me.  And the bird woman! Cry, cry)

So remember about a week ago I was talking about what I referred to as 'Brain Fog'?  Well it turns out it actually exists.  I did my research today after feeling just extremely in the fog today.  Brain fog, according to a website (how reliable right? but no seriously..), is feelings of mental confusion or lack of mental clarity.  I can describe my personal brain fog to you as if you stayed up all night at a party or a sleepover.  And then you're still awake and it's like 7 a.m. the next morning.  It's that feeling as if you're kind of in a dream.  Or I can compare it to waking up from a nap that left you feeling the opposite of refreshed, in other words, when you could sleep about for 4 more hours.  I'm sure many of you can relate, and as the website states, it's very common.

I just can seem to shake off the fog though.  I continued reading on the multiple causes of this brain fog.  Well, one is due to a candida overgrowth, or other words, yeast infection (Yikes!) But i don't think that's the cause from me.  On a side note though, did you ever have a yeast infection? Those things are a bitch.  I had one last year after I came home from Christmas break, and it was a deezy.  I went to my gyno who did this pelvis test where they shoved this plastic thing that was the size of a pickle jar up my vagina. I seriously could've cried.  And my gyno the whole time was like, 'So how's school?' And my voice was so high pitched I sounded like a little girl as I answered in such a tight voice, 'It's great, HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE THAT IN THERE FOR?' Did you  ever go to the gyno and while their putting their hands and miscellaneous tools, which are always freezing I might add, inside of you and yet they try to carry on a normal conversation.  They talk to you as if you sitting down for lunch rather than them touching your ovaries.  It's never a pleasant experience, never.

Anyway, sorry I felt the need to start a new paragraph in continuing with the brain fog.  I don't think the yeast infection is to blame, nor the other medical conditions/metal poisonings/lack of sleep.  I think it was the stress that they mentioned.  If not all of you know, I have generalized anxiety disorder, which means I just worry all of the time.  That's putting it lightly, though. (But the GAD i'm not going to talk about right now, back to the fogginess).  I've just been worried so much about the future lately, where I'm going to be in a year and where I'm going to be in 5 years.  I worry all the time about in general if my life will ever work out the way I want it too.  And I think to help myself cope from all this worrying and stress, my brain kind of put this fog over me.  In this way, it kind of eases the worry a little bit.  It's almost a distraction, making me feel hazy.  Sometimes I kind of feel high almost.

Earlier today I welcomed the fog, but now I just want me to be back.  I want to face all of this mess, I can't run away from my problems.  It's making me so stressed out from this fog too (ironic), I keep shaking my head to get the clarity back, but I still don't feel myself.  And I just feel so fatigued, so tired all the time.  You might say this is because I stayed up til like 5 doing the paper, but I slept until 12 the next day (sorry bio lecture, had to sleep through you. 9 am was wayyy to early).  So right now my  current condition is just blah, and if i try to get rid of the blah, anxiety returns. What a vicious cycle.

So my question of the day to you people is if you were having a brain fog, what do you think you're mind was shielding you from? what stress is it trying to protect you against?  I'd like to hear you're answers.  Did any of you ever have a brain fog?

I'm a positive person though, or at least I try to be. So let's get to the gratitude diary, Hit It -

1) Honey Bunches of Oats - it's so tasty, and low calorie.

2) Big Jane - My one aunt.  She is absolutely hilarious.  I was at viewing today, and she showed up and just made me laugh. I love people with big personalities and people who don't care what other people think. 

3) The Miracle on 34th Street - One of my favorite Christmas Movies.  So cute, and put me more in the Christmas Spirit.  Ho, ho, ho.

Until tomorrow.  I'm going to try and go to bed a little earlier tonight (so about 2 am) so maybe this fog will disappear.  I just got hit with a song - I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THE RAIN IS GONE, I CAN SEE ALL OBSTACLES IN MY WAY! I'm not even sure if those are the right words, but hopefully tomorrow I will be singing that song. Goodnight Chocolate Chip Cookies! <3 Jamieee. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dildo Bobbins!

Happy Monday. As if there couldn't be two more contradicting words in one phrase, Happy Monday takes the cake. However, for myself, I freaking love Mondays. I should be more specific, rather I love Monday Mornings. There's something magical about the morning (cue inspirational classical Beethoven concerto music here) .  I feel like anything is possible, that anything I set my mind to can be accomplished.  Maybe it's the freshness of a new week (literally freshness, I go outside and inhale the morning air, talk about fresh).  To be honest, I'm so lazy on a Sunday that I yearn for the chance to do something productive.  So Monday's aren't actually that bad for me. Wait a second, that sounded too negative. Let's re-frame that (give me a break, I'm in the process of changing my mind frame lol).  Monday's are good for me.

And on this Monday, I found myself really studying my reflection in the mirror.  I was trying to figure out what I looked like from another person's perspective.  Like I was pretending I didn't know me, and then I tried to give myself a first impression. (I actually walked by the mirror several times, looked up and said 'hello' like I was meeting someone for the first time).  It was kind of a weird feeling, like an almost out of body experience.  But then again, it's impossible to know what others are thinking about you, even so impossible to guess.

But as I looked in the mirror, I find myself attractive.  But I always wonder if that's me being biased towards myself.  I guess when I tried to pretend I didn't know me, I gave myself the cute factor.  Is that being conceited? I hope not. I don't think it is. I think it's actually pretty damn courageous to look at yourself in the mirror, to face yourself.  Well for me it was anyway, because as I looked closer, I did see another thing: unsureness.  I'm a very indecisive person, so this was on target.  I did see something else though that made me proud, and it was an inner strength. It was a determination, a will to keep on going. And believe me, I'm not the toughest person by any sorts of comparison, but I could see it.  So I came to a conclusion - We all have inner strength, you just have to look hard enough to find it.  For me, this was an actual LITERALLY looking hard enough in my eyes to find it.  But it was there. It might have been hidden by the unsureness and even fear, but it was there.  You just have to look at yourself and say, let's do this.

So my question of the day to you is - What do you see when you look in the mirror? Can you see your inner strength?

Alright enough being deep for a moment.  So after I looked at myself in the mirror, it was time to shower haha.  I always play music when I shower, something that I can dance to.  This also brings me to another self-discovery - I love to hip-hop dance/belly dance.  Seriously before I shower I have these mad dance sessions alone.  I always try to roll my stomach (even though I probably look like I'm humping the air).  And then I noticed today when Chris Brown's Transform Ya (or is it Transformer?) came on, I pretty much turned into a porn star.  I was on the floor gyrating my hips.  Oh the things we do when we're alone.  And don't lie to me bloggers! Don't tell me you've never busted out your own dance parties, actually I bet you all do it quite often.  Hey, let's make this another question of the day - What kind of dance moves do you sporadically do?  And if you don't know the answer to that question, I want all of you to download Chris Brown - I Can Transform Ya and see what your body does in reaction to it.  (Yes that is a confirmed answer, I have just yahoo-ed it.  And yes, I yahoo things).

So yes that was my Monday morning - Reflecting on my inner emotions and belly-dancing.  All before noon.  Jamie, you are so productive!! Now, onto the Gratitude Journal (if you don't know what this is, refer to post below suckas!)

1) Free Samples - Today something that made me happy was the Chinese lady in the mall food court that was handing out free samples.  They were delicious. I freaking love free samples, everyone should give out free samples of everything.

2) The Little Things a Mom Does - I guess the last time my Mom was in my car, she put a Christmas CD in there so I would hear it eventually. I was flipping to my next CD and then I hear Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. It really made me smile, and in the Christmas Spirit. Ho Ho Ho!

3) Tyler - My friend in my psych class. Well, were not really friends, more like acquaintances.  We sit next to each other, and  my professor always comes around with an attendance sheet.  He signed it first and handed it to me, and he noticed that I didn't have my pen out right away to sign it, so without saying a word, he just hands me the attendance sheet and his pen (woah crazy run-on sentence).  I know it's so minor, but it was a touching gesture that needed no words.  My heart smiled.  Like I've said before, politeness really warms my heart haha.  If I had been on my period, I probably would've cried and hugged the guy.

See you tomorrow loves, sooner if the surfs up ;). I don't know what that means exactly but one of my teachers always used to say it.  And it's fun to say, try it. AND DO YOU ALSO KNOW WHAT'S FUN TO SAY!?!! Dildo Bobbins. Try it. Me and my one friend use that as an alias. Dildo Bobbins, funny and catchy.

Haha but for real, peace <3.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ello Govenah! Lovelay Day!

Ello, Lovelies.  Ello Govenah, lovely day, lovely day.  Does anyone remember that America's Top Model Episode where they had to talk in that accent and say those things? It's one of my favorites haha.  I miss that show, I haven't seen it in years and I used to be a devoted follower.  Guess I've lost the motivation...

So speaking of motivation (how is that for a transition?), what get's you motivated? I was thinking of this motivation stuff when I was sitting here, knowing I have to write this research paper that is due on Wednesday.  But I just can't seem to get the motivation to do so. 

"The greatest motivation is doing something others say you can't."

I got this in a fortune cookie once about 4 years ago. (Since then I believe fortune cookies have gone downhill. The other day I got one that said 'This cookie tells your fortune' and that was it.  Well no shit it's a fortune cookie, but what is the fortune?!? That's not a freaking fortune, that's stating the obvious.  And did anyone notice that a lot of fortune cookies have changed their flavor to VANILLA? Ick)  But I believe that particular fortune to be true.  Whenever someone tells me that I can't do something, I feel like a fire ignites in my soul.  It's like every ounce of my being wants to prove that person wrong, and wants to succeed.  And so far, for me it has worked.  I guess maybe it's because I'm a proud person and I hate anyone thinking that I'm weak or unqualified.  I want to be strong and very, very capable.  I love that though.  I love proving someone wrong.  I always keep this fortune in mind whenever doing something new and someone doesn't approve.  I perform my best this way.  Also another great motivator for me is when I have an audience.  I enjoyed this aspect of sports for this reason.  I loved having an audience to watch me.  I love giving others something to think about.

Another great motivator to push yourself is ex-boyfriends.  They are one of the best.  Back in soccer season, I had just broken up with my boyfriend about a month before.  He shows up to one of my games, only because he started hanging out with this other girl on my team (harsh, right?)  I was so pissed, but so ready to show him up.  I played my heart out in that game, and almost took some girls down in the process. But it felt good, it's good to get those feelings out.  And ladies, I'm sure you can all relate.  When you see an ex out in public and your with your friends, you try to stand out.  You laugh a little extra, and maybe apply that lipgloss on.  Even flirt with some other boys that are around, putting yourself out there.  For some reason, we get confidence from this.  We are proud women, and for this I applaud us. Sometimes we need a good kick in our gut to get us going again.  And as we all know, we grow stronger from our past mistakes.  It makes us smarter and wiser.

The problem I'm having right now however is creating motivation for myself.  It's easier when it's in spite or when a concrete goal is in front of us.  For example, when you have to pass a test to pass the class.  Or when you only have one chance to get a boy's attention.  It's a quick goal.  But right now, this research paper is just part of my grade, and my other grades are pretty good.  I just need to force this out of me.  Any idea on self motivators, ladies?

So the question of the day I ask you's is What is your motivator? What get's you going when you're in a sluggish mood? Let's swap :).

Also in continuing with this Gratitude diary, time for my 3 entries. (if your just tuning in, a gratitude diary is where you post 3 things your thankful for/made you smile a day. it's supposed to make you feel better in the long run according to my therapist). You should post them in the comments or on your own blogs, try it out suckas!

1) Little Entertaining Children in Church - I was in church today and there was this little girl infront of me who was so cute and kept licking her cheerios off the pews.  I was paying attention, but she got a little chuckle out of me.

2) Nice Video Cameras - I had to do this video on teenage depression and awareness for this one organization I'm apart of.  And I finally found my nice video camera to film it on instead of my crap quality digital camera.  The quality was so perrrrtyyy.

3) Omar - This one kid in class who helped me with my sociology presentation for tomorrow.  He was just so friendly and polite.  Do you ever have those day's when you're on your period and just someone saying "Have a nice day" makes you cry? I just want to hug them and say, "No. YOU HAVE A NICE DAY I LOVE YOU!" Haha but seriously, politeness goes a longgg way:)

So now I'm going to work more on this presentation.  Happy Sunday night loveys. Talk to you  tomorrow, Jamie-amie-ameo.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Oh For Realzies!

Have you ever felt like there was a fog in front of your eyes? Not like a literal fog, but like a haziness? That's what I've been feeling all day so far.  And I can't seem to shake it (literally, I've been shaking my head all day trying to retrieve my focus).  It's kind of like when you've been woken up from a dream, and you're not quite all together yet.  I've been feeling this way ever since I've gotten back from Florida.  I think it may be the sleeping pills I took.  I'm short, so I probably should of only consumed 1 - but let's get real, when you want something to knock you out, always double it.

Anyway, how was your day?  I mean it wholeheartedly (on another note really quick, did you know that kindheartedly, halfheartedly, and even downheartedly are all words? Lots of heartedniss going around in this hizzhouse.  What does downheartedly even mean haha?), but I have to say, that is my go to question.  Whenever I can't think of anything to say in a conversation, or when a rant ends suddenly, I just randomly blurt out "So how is your day?" or "How are you?"  I've found that people love to talk about themselves (myself included, I mean I have a blog helllllooo?).  As much as we all don't like to admit it, we all love to be the center of attention sometimes.  To have people hanging on our every word.  Only in the right circumstances though.  Like sometimes when I'm the one asking the question, I don't want them to say a quick "Ah same old. How are you?".  I sincerely want to know about that person, or that or I'm feeling awkward (i didn't know awkward was spelled that way until it came up on spell check. now i'm feeling a little awkward myself when I think how many times I've actually texted or messaged someone saying 'akward') and compelled to ask that mundane question (and don't lie, you do it too.) 

Most of the time though, I like to see people who are touched by the question, and who share.  It's nice to see the looks on their faces when they confide in you. It feels like trust.

But then there's other times when I ask someone that question so it can be automatically reverted back to me.  This is only in circumstances when I have something exciting to say or share.  The funny thing is that whenever I seem to ask that question in hopes of them returning it, it never goes that way.  They'll just be like oh I have soooo much homework and I have this test blah blah blah.  And then they've gone into a tizzy about their own lives and by the time their done talking they've just basked in their own self-pity that they forget who their talking to.  (I won't lie, I'm guilty of that also haha).  So then I don't get to share the exciting news, because I feel guilty being happy when they're down. Know what I mean?

But for realzies (oh wow, Jamie don't say realzies ever again) How Are You? I mean it sincerely. Share it with my in the comments if you so desire.

Okay so another thing I'm going to try out is this positivity little exercise, and I encourage all 17 of you to do the same (WOOHOO 17! Although maybe 2 of you are still reading at this point haha).  The exercise is to name 3 positive things or things you are thankful for from your day today. So you can post yours below or try it out for size on your own blog.  So here goes mine:

1) I burned 300 calories today on the elliptical. NICE! I hardly ever exercise.  But I want to lose this little baby fat I have.  I didn't think I'd make it, I actually even banged my head against the damn thing after only 45 calories haha.  So I'm thankful for that, for the motivation that kept me going.

2) Victoria. This one girl in my speech class who just cracks me up.  She did this impromptu on how beauty is not skin-deep and more people have to wear make-up. It was so terrible haha but she did it so sarcastically, it was hilarious.

3) My guy friend named David.  We have speech together, and he was in a really good mood and kept making me chuckle.  And were texting right now, kind of playful flirting.  Wanna hear my really good line I just used. OF COURSE YOU DO! I was telling him how I was a small fish in a little pond, and he goes 'well I think you're the catch for me ;)" and then I go (wait for it, it's epic) 'Reel me in!' Clever Jamie, Clever.

Were just friends though, have been for like 7 years.  Were always playful as such. 

So it's probably a good idea for me to get to bed now, this brain fog is honestly making me dizzy.  Hopeful I'll have clear skies (ha ha) again by tomorrow. I have to wake up in like 5 hours anyone to shower and all for my 8 am.  Sweet dreams bloggies!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Happiness is a Choice.

Reading through other people's blogs is something I normally take part in.  I have noticed a few things.  Basically, for ladies, we are all the same.  In the big picture I mean.  We are all trying to find our way, whether it be through a journey or a climb, we all write about us going through challenges.  Then end goal is trying to figure ourselves and this life we live in now out.

But that's probably something you all basically knew.  "Duh Jamie, what do you think the purpose of a blog is?!"  I'm sorry followers, don't be hatin' mayyne.  Haha it's just comforting to know that were all confused.  It makes me feel better at least, so thank you!  It also motivates me too, because I see all of you are trying to actually DO something about your confusion.  I want to, but lately I've just been...

TIRED. So tired.  Not like physically, just emotionally. Along with my anxiety disorder comes the depression, and I think I'm in a valley at the moment (peaks and valleys aka - highs and lows).  I just have no motivation, and just this numbing pain.  I just want to lay around.  But I know I have to get off my lazy ass and just change my life.  Cause it's not like anyone's going to do it for me.  I have to take charge (I like to attempt to motivate myself).  And it pisses me off that I just sit here sulking.  I don't want life to pass me by. 

Its almost as if my inside doesn't want to be happy.  Do you know what I mean? I guess sometimes we become so comfortable with this uneasiness, this feeling of discomfort that were afraid to see anything else.  Comfort is a big part of human life, and we will do almost everything to avoid discomfort.

But ANYWAY, enough blabbering Jamie.  Yes so I was just in <brDisney/> World :).  It was all decorated for Christmas, ironic because the weather was 80.  I saw Isabella Rosselini, even though before that I didn't even know who she was.  But I truly love Disney world, I'm such a kid at heart. Would anyone like to see pictures? I take a bunch with my phone, I probably took like a gazillion. I'm thinking of doing the college work program down there, I need a change.

This is probably an uneventful post.  Maybe because I'm still drugged up from the flight (I am terrified of flying, so I take sleeping pills haha)  And ever since then I've been in this shitty mood.  But thank you blog for letting me get my emotions out to you. It's greatly appreciated.

Question of the Day Time - Are you TIRED? Why and how. What's shaking in your life? I can help. I'm a psychologist in the making.

Talk to you tomorrow. Peace Bye. Sweet Dreams.