Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Optimism, realistically?

Hello, one and all. Or six and all. I say six because 2 of the followers of this blog are myself, and I didn't think it was possible. But hey, who's looking right.

Today's discussion is on optimism.  Generally, I try to be an optimistic person.  Sometimes it comes so easily, you know. It's those days where you wake up and you feel on top of the world.  Which brings me to another point, the morning, the AM.  Something about the morning to me is always like (corny, I know) magical.  I always feel like anything can be accomplished, that I can do what ever I want.  But then by the night, I'm just like fml.  I don't exactly know when this transition occurs, but it does. Usually every day, it's a whirlwind, but then again I'm sure you can all relate. We all have these constant ups and downs.

But there's one part I don't understand. I feel like my optimism is fake. When I'm by myself and really looking inward, I'm terrified. After reasoning it out, I can say that God will make things okay. I just want that optimistic feeling all the time.  It sounds selfish, but I can't help but wonder why.  Another thought I had is like the little person inside you, the real you. It's the one that feels every emotion, and I can picture mine.  It takes every emotion with such passion, and it does things I'm afraid to do. When I'm tearing up, the person inside me is wailing.  And when I'm happy with a little smile, inside I'm beaming. So I wonder what that means. Is it the person I am or the person I wish I was? A combination of both perhaps.

I wish I was more outward. Again a curious blog.  But you are my diary, deal with it.  I always want to talk to more people. I loveee communication, the art and just talking.  I just am so nervous. I don't know why, any advice?

So that's my ramblings. Thank you for listening and keep yourself tuned in, luh yas <3

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Aces Wild.

We are only dealt one hand in life.  We can either fold at the start, or keep going until no matter the wins or losses. I'd like to think I made that quote up myself, but I'm sure someone or another had already stated the general idea in some other way.  But that pretty much sums up my feelings right now.

I'm in a particularly odd mood.  Number one: I'm pissed.  So I wanted to go visit my friend in that goes to college about an hour away.  The problem was that my parents wouldn't let me drive by myself, and that someone else had to drive me.  So I solved the problem myself.  I told my parents that one of my friends was coming with me, when she really wasn't.  In my head this was a great idea and no strings attached.  So I got there no problem (fearless, yeah buddy), but then came the setback.  My mom and dad later saw the friend that I told them was coming with me.  WHAT ARE THE FREAKING CHANCES. MY FREAKING LUCK. So now I'm grounded.

Okay so I know I shouldn't have lied, but its just so frustrating to me that I couldn't drive an hour away. How gay is that? I got so furious I wanted to prove to them that I could do it.  I was literally outraged and I didn't care. So now I'm grounded.

The thing though is I pity myself way to much. I have a good life, except no self-confidence.  Honestly, none. It's sad I know.  But really, who doesn't have poor self confidence? Everyone sees there flaws. the problem is I'm so self absorbent that I fail to see this.  I don't want to feel this self pity I HATE IT.  I just want to not feel bad for myself. I want to kick myself in the ass. That's what I need. I need to stop blaming others and blame myself. I'm old enough to take all responsibility. And from now on I will. 

So these are the new steps I'm taking in life: 1) Stop blaming others and justifying all your actions because your not crazy.  2) Blame yourself, accept yourself and your craziness 3) Move on. Life goes on.

That's the thing I'm struggling the most. I feel like I dish out all this advice and bitch and complain about how its not that hard.  But I can't take my own advice. I can't accept that life isn't so bad, that life isn't all about me.  I seriously need to work on it. I need to take things one day at a time, and I need to be hard on myself.

So yeah. There we go. I'm pissed, just pissed. Well upset also I cried all morning.  I know it's so dumb and I know that everyone feels this way one or another, but I feel like my character flaws will not allow me to move on in life.  That I'll live a rough life. That's probably not the case, that's how I feel.  I feel like I know all this stuff but my MIND doesn't get it.  Any advice?

ejtrwehsgdfklhwebtgfhl blah. I want to escape, but I have to face my own life.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

listen hurr

i just have one words, ladies and gentlemen. One word - lame. I feel lame right now.  I'm sorry for the lack of confidence lately, but hey this is my diary so LIKE IT OR NOT. lol just kidding :) but seriously i'm a lame-o.

Cause tonight I was supposed to visit my friend at her college but I wasn't allowed to drive because my parents have this like freaking circumference around me that I cannot travel 15 minutes out of. ridic, i know.  I texted my dad whose in texas asking him, and he texted me this long message about me being vicarious? and how i have to be a more responsible young woman. what in the world. how am i supposed to be responsible if i dont have the chance to prove to you.

i feel really sick. i'll explain about the uber lameness tomorrow. seriously its like a wave of neasuae. okay someone tell me how to spell naw-shus. you know like being queezy. and i think i have a migraine. oh, life.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Happy Jamie Day

so today's my birthday, and also labor day. so everyone's celebrating already, so it diminishes the effects of my birthday.  i can't imagine what it would be like to be born on christmas, to be completely over shadowed. but it's not that i'm complaining. i'm glad that all of my family and relatives were off work today so they could celebrate with me.

it was an alright birthday. not the best, and certainly not the worst. just an average birthday.  i received some money and a victoria secret gift card ;) oh lala. i need to buy some sexy things. i need to feel more sexy, and now that im 20, time to buy some more daring things. i haven't gotten any in a good while, i'm hoping this will change soon. actually, this weekend i hope.

I was planning on getting some last night, too. we were supposed to go out in the bush for my birthday. and incase you don't know what the 'bush' is, its a party in the woods. we have a campfire and everyone gets trashed. some people fly high too, but that's not my thing. i don't know, i tried it before, didn't get much out of it. i feel like it zaps your brain, making you completely zone out. i had guy friends who quit because they said there short term memory started to burn out. that's another thing, i think people that smoke pot also LOOK burn out, and eww. Sorry if you smoke ;). Okay sexual encounters and pot, lets move on lol i'm getting a little too ahead of myself.

Anyway, so about 150 people wished me a happy birthday so far on facebook. some of them mean it, some just to be polite, some to be noticed, and some for show.  but at the end of the day, it's the people who go out of their way for you. My friend baked a ckae for me last night, even though it wasn't done in the middle. it really touched me, it doesn't take much for me to appreciate things. but my other like hardcore best firend wasn't even there at midnight. she was off with her new beau who is definitely burnt out, a nice kid but is into the hard stuff. but chicks before dicks, and that one hurt. i didn't even get a cxall or a text until i got a message at 1030 this morning. i'm thinking someone forgot. and that pissed me off.

Everyone of my other friends stayed at college this weekend or went back early this morning. i saw my best firend/cousin today whos a year younger than me, and that felt good, i love her. i just felt like no one else cared. i mean my guy friends - well boys will be boys - they all said happy bday but still there guys what are they gonna do, buy me a vickis gift card? haha no. there cool though. but my girls i was just disapointed in, maybe i sound like a bitch and am overreacting but im in one of those moods.  and also mother nature dropped her present off a WEEK EARLY. so im over emotional and feeling quite depressed. i might go out with the boys in a little, but right now im on a rant.

and sorry i haven't written, but thank you to those 2 new subscribers <3 lvoe yous :)
this post was a lil down, but thats how i feel. but okay it's me here, i'm gonna try and be positive lol. i always try to look at the positve, it automatically lifts your spirits even if it's just a little. so everyone - try it with me. take 10 seconds and think of something positive. and we will leave it at that. OH WAIT.. the positive thought has to be about tonight or tomorrow.

My positive thing is that tomorrow i have music and get to see my friends on the wall. and tomorrow i'm going to try and be more outgoing. *try* lets hope so lol. Share your positivity.

Thanks for reading. love you all  <3 any advice is welcome with open arms lol.