First off, a big HI HELLO to my 3 followers (and I will refuse to admit that one of the followers is myself. Oh wait.. ). I'm pretty much in an anxious frenzy right now, mostly because for the past couple of days, I have decided that the college everyone want me to attend isn't the one I want. The only problem is I haven't told them. It's way to big, and I;m a small town girl. Living in a lonely world.
I actually wish I could take that midnight train going anywhere. Take a look at the background of this blog. It's beautiful, well in focus it would be. And is that a sheep or something on the left hand side? I don't really know. Anyway, I digress. I don't even know what digress means, it's just a fun phrase to say. But back to the point. That open field is where I want to be. It's so freeing, so open and beautiful. Do you ever feel trapped? That's how I feel. trapped in this world where everyone is supposed to do the norm - go off to college and get a job.
I think I'm really looking for an escape. That one 'out' that will get me out of everything of the norm. I've recently sent a book idea to about 10 publishing companies, and haven't heard back from one. But I know book publishing is a hard thing to do, and especially from a 19 year old who has only one creative writing class under her belt. And this might sound crazy, but hey I want to be honest here, but for a short time I even wished I was pregnant. I know, teenage pregnancy - instant life changer and even a ruiner. But to me it felt like an escape. I feel like I'm just not ready, but I probably need a swift kick in the ass.
So i'm still looking for an escape. Searching for an out. I feel like this recent decision is also fueled by anxiety. But i'm seriously at that point where I don't know whats the difference between my 'gut' feeling and just plain anxiety. Which pretty much messes up everything. I know, I'm being negative. And I try not to be. Yesterday and today has just been one of those days. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be in one of those, 'Fuck it, everything will work out' moods. But today, I feel as if I'm allowed this one anxious day.
And thank you all for reading, it actually makes me feel like I'm going to therapy. It's like I'm talking and you are listening. Thank you. So I want to end with a question: How are you feeling today? Feel free to write as much as you want. If you have any problems, I'd be happy to address them in the next blog. Which will probably be either late tonight when I can't sleep, or tomorrow.
Much Love - J.