Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Inwards vs Outwards

Everyday for thirty days, a different topic. You all know what it's about, most likely. I need to write more though. Too much in my head, only the razor stops by to take off some of the emotional load. Oops.

This is very candid. I'm writing just for the sake of writing. Anyway. What do I hate about myself?

Well, lots of things. I could list them all, but then I'd probably want to crawl under my bed and never come out again. So to spare my sanity, I'll share with you 'the big one'. Which is, caring too much about what people thing. It's an evil vice.  Anyone I ever come in contact with, I automatically try to make them like me.  It could be a classmate, grandparents, even the mailman.  If I'm interacting with that person, there judgment means everything to me. And I hate it. I don't even know what I would be without always constantly thinking and analyzing the actions of others towards myself.  It's an oxymoron, really.  I'm so self-centered trying to make other people like me.  Inwards vs outwards. A war no one wins, I would know.  It's exhausting, but I can't stop it. I don't know how. My psych tells me to 'let thoughts be thoughts' well if I could fucking do that I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in.

Constantly thinking about what other people are thinking prevents me from living in the moment.  I'm never fully there in a conversation. I'm half there. My mind is always somewhere else, swimming around in the mind of the other person, just fishing for faults.  I crave acceptance. It's sick really.

So that's it. I hate you, need for acceptance. I hate you. What I would give to live in every moment. That sounds like a dream. And now I'm going to hopefully go and dream, this only occurring if I could fall asleep. I always picture myself running to help me fall asleep. Ironic. That's what I want to do so badly, just run away. I think I might. New York is only 2 hours from me. Sounds like a plan. What do you think?


  1. I'm with you. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is just run away from everything. But I think the only to really do is fight through it. That's what's gotten me through lots of hard times. Just hunker down until you see some reason to stay.

  2. This totally makes sense! I always care what people think too much.