Write, write, write, write. I ignore this thing sometimes because it pisses me off. It forces me to write my emotions down, and most of the time, I just don't feel like it. Cause then I'll have to rationalize, and then I'll have to think that 'things aren't so bad' when they feel bad. And then that's me being selfish. Looks like I'll just have to face the facts, though. No more running away.
I just feel dumb, and embarrassed. Like things are going nowhere. I feel like I just can't find myself. I don't know what I want or where I'm supposed to be. And I know that it's normal to feel like this, but it's a constant wearing thought. It eats me alive. I'll I want to do is pop some sleeping pills, and call it a night.
And that's what some days have been like. In the middle of the afternoon, I'll take some tylenol pm, benadryl, whatever, and just climb into bed until I have to wake up and do my homework. I blame some on the Lexapro, it gives me mad mood swings. Like the other morning, I felt like I was so excited. About what, I have no idea. I was sitting in class, practically bouncing in my seat. It was a high that lasted for half the day. And that made me happy, I felt real again. But after it went away, it hasn't been back, and I've been back in the lows.
But I feel like sometimes I use the anxiety/depression as a crutch sometimes. Like a small part of me doesn't want them to go away. Because if they do, I'll have to be successful. I'll have no reason why I'm not succeeding in everything I do. I can't handle the failure, or what people would fathom to think. And even if they have no clue about this ordeal (because I don't tell anyone other than like 2 of my friends) at least I know. I can look at them and know the truth.
I'm paranoid like that, though. Always thinking that people are thinking negative things about me. It's a terrible habit. Enough craziness for one post, though. I'm driving my mind in circles haha. I need to pull myself back out of my mind so I can laugh at the absurdity. Always be able to laugh at yourself.
I freaking love E! tv. It's all I watch anymore haha. Chelsea Handler just cracks me up. She brightened up my day today. How is all the other bloggies out there?