Monday, August 23, 2010

Woohoo, first day.

So here I am. Really anxious at the moment. I apologize to the thousands of you (yeah, okay) that read this.  I'm so weird. Like I look at it, and then when I see that I don't write in it, I get annoyed.  And then I don't want to look at it.  It's kind of like a homework assignment, but an optional one.  I never really did extra credit, but this I need to do.

Mostly cause I hear it's good to get your feelings out. Out of my head and onto this blog, where you can take it as you like.  But anywho, classes for me started today.  I had a good first day, but there is something I realized about myself.  I am absolutely terrified of any sort of change.  I want things to be the same.  I'll try something new, and then I'll revert back to my old self.  I'll then proceed to make excuses, and then rationalize it in my head.  I really don't like this about myself.  How am I ever going to move on like this, in this frame of mind? Any suggestions?

On another note, I've decided that jealousy just isn't going to be apart of me anymore.  Well of course except like, I'm jealous of Colin Farrel's girlfriend because he's so hot.  But like of everyday people in my life.  Everytime a jealous thought creeps up, I'm just going to picture them happy, and then be happy for them.  Love others instead of envy, I learned that in my catholic high school.  God will help me through this.

This post probably sounds like one giant mess, but that's whats in my head.  Thank you all for reading, and I will try and post tomorrow. <3 Jay.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An Escapee.

First off, a big HI HELLO to my 3 followers (and I will refuse to admit that one of the followers is myself. Oh wait.. ).  I'm pretty much in an anxious frenzy right now, mostly because for the past couple of days, I have decided that the college everyone want me to attend isn't the one I want.  The only problem is I haven't told them.  It's way to big, and I;m a small town girl. Living in a lonely world.

I actually wish I could take that midnight train going anywhere.  Take a look at the background of this blog.  It's beautiful, well in focus it would be. And is that a sheep or something on the left hand side? I don't really know.  Anyway, I digress. I don't even know what digress means, it's just a fun phrase to say.  But back to the point.  That open field is where I want to be.  It's so freeing, so open and beautiful.  Do you ever feel trapped? That's how I feel. trapped in this world where everyone is supposed to do the norm - go off to college and get a job. 

I think I'm really looking for an escape.  That one 'out' that will get me out of everything of the norm.  I've recently sent a book idea to about 10 publishing companies, and haven't heard back from one.  But I know book publishing is a hard thing to do, and especially from a 19 year old who has only one creative writing class under her belt.  And this might sound crazy, but hey I want to be honest here, but for a short time I even wished I was pregnant.  I know, teenage pregnancy - instant life changer and even a ruiner. But to me it felt like an escape.  I feel like I'm just not ready, but I probably need a swift kick in the ass.

So i'm still looking for an escape.  Searching for an out.  I feel like this recent decision is also fueled by anxiety. But i'm seriously at that point where I don't know whats the difference between my 'gut' feeling and just plain anxiety. Which pretty much messes up everything.  I know, I'm being negative. And I try not to be. Yesterday and today has just been one of those days.  Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be in one of those, 'Fuck it, everything will work out' moods. But today, I feel as if I'm allowed this one anxious day.

And thank you all for reading, it actually makes me feel like I'm going to therapy.  It's like I'm talking and you are listening. Thank you. So I want to end with a question: How are you feeling today? Feel free to write as much as you want. If you have any problems, I'd be happy to address them in the next blog. Which will probably be either late tonight when I can't sleep, or tomorrow.

Much Love - J.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

so i guess this is my blog. i've always wanted to have one, i feel as if it's kind of like a diary. somewhere i can share my thoughts. already, however, i screwed it up. The page is supposed to be "The Anxious Apple Core" but instead, this little freaking period got in my way. And it's now "The Anxious Apple. (<notice the dot, NOTICE IT.) Core. Epic Fail.

Anyway, so why is it called thee AAC (hense cool acronym, nice) Because number one - I am an anxious being. My every move is fueled by anxiety of some sort. I'm 19 with an anxiety disorder. Plus an emotion woman, great mix.  I'm thinking this is a place where i can vent. I hope at least 2 people follow this, if you can even follow blogs. I hope i post daily, it's good to get your feelings out daily. so tune in. i don't know why i said tune in. no one is even follow me right now. it's pretty much me talking to myself like a crazy person, oh well. okay, cut it jay.

Ps. my name is jamie, so i refer to myself as jay often. okay more talking to myself craziness ahh. peace.