Saturday, March 26, 2011

What is Love?

This is trickier than I thought. Item number 2? Something you love about yourself. I challenge everyone to do this, it's hard. But it's weird, ask someone what they don't like about themselves, and they can probably count off item after item. This seems very, very wrong to me.  But, it's human I suppose.

I already feel self-conscious.  I feel like I've conditioned myself so strongly to NOT talk about myself, because I've become so strongly turned off by people that do nothing but brag.  It's part of my cognitive distortion I think - only seeing black and white.  There is a gray area in between, and that's where the happy medium should lie.

Back to the task at hand, however.  Okay, what do I love about myself?

I love how I can, at some moments, just go up and talk to people I've never met. If there's someone next to me in line, I can usually strike up a conversation with them with ease.  The confrontation always goes successful, partly because I know I'll never see the person again ever. I love the people you meet, how just one little moment shared can spur different meanings and feelings.  Knowing that I put a smile on people's faces makes my day. I also love how I can give people compliments, say how nice there hair is or how I love how positive they are. That truly can turn a person's day around, I urge you all to try it.

Phew. Okay that was a little difficult getting out. I don't know why I have such a hard time with that kind of stuff, but I do. Is anyone else self-conscious like that? Do share.

Love you bloggies. <3

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Inwards vs Outwards

Everyday for thirty days, a different topic. You all know what it's about, most likely. I need to write more though. Too much in my head, only the razor stops by to take off some of the emotional load. Oops.

This is very candid. I'm writing just for the sake of writing. Anyway. What do I hate about myself?

Well, lots of things. I could list them all, but then I'd probably want to crawl under my bed and never come out again. So to spare my sanity, I'll share with you 'the big one'. Which is, caring too much about what people thing. It's an evil vice.  Anyone I ever come in contact with, I automatically try to make them like me.  It could be a classmate, grandparents, even the mailman.  If I'm interacting with that person, there judgment means everything to me. And I hate it. I don't even know what I would be without always constantly thinking and analyzing the actions of others towards myself.  It's an oxymoron, really.  I'm so self-centered trying to make other people like me.  Inwards vs outwards. A war no one wins, I would know.  It's exhausting, but I can't stop it. I don't know how. My psych tells me to 'let thoughts be thoughts' well if I could fucking do that I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in.

Constantly thinking about what other people are thinking prevents me from living in the moment.  I'm never fully there in a conversation. I'm half there. My mind is always somewhere else, swimming around in the mind of the other person, just fishing for faults.  I crave acceptance. It's sick really.

So that's it. I hate you, need for acceptance. I hate you. What I would give to live in every moment. That sounds like a dream. And now I'm going to hopefully go and dream, this only occurring if I could fall asleep. I always picture myself running to help me fall asleep. Ironic. That's what I want to do so badly, just run away. I think I might. New York is only 2 hours from me. Sounds like a plan. What do you think?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Words are just as strong as actions.

2:20 a.m., and I need to wake up in 4 hours. Lovely. Right on track. Looks like I'll be crashing for the afternoon.

You know what I don't understand? Why ciggies taste so good, but smoke smells so bad. I feel like I need to wash my hair like 5 times before I get the smell out of it.  Prime example why I ONLY smoke when I'm stressed.  It's not so much the lung stuff, it's just the way you feel. Like smoking is relaxing and does take the edge off, but I just feel so shitty afterward.  Your mouth tastes like dirt, and your finger tips smell like burnt rubber. Really, really not appeasing.

It's my bad habit. One of many.

My mind is talented, however. It should be an Olympic gymnast.  It tumbles effortlessly, and can flip over and over and over again without letting up. Give it a beam, and my mind will do a whole routine, complete unexpected twists and turns.

What my mind excels in, my body has to suffer the consequences.  It bears the constant pressure of the wearing down of one single thought, and all the circles my mind runs around. 

Alright, I'm tired of talking in metaphors. You get the point, I'm sure. You're all intelligent individuals, whom I have immediate respect for because you blog as well. I love people that blog. I immediately group us into people that are more deep thinkers. We analyze and have more perception.  We are the kind of people that are cued to share and speak our minds, even if it is just through our computer. In our case, words are just as strong as actions. I love it. Or we do what we love, to all those who have the fashion and cooking and celebrity blogs.

Where was I? Okay yes, a good habit. In my ever-trying quest to be an optimistic individual, I'm now going to name a good habit.  I have to say, I pride myself in my healthy eating.  I always eat fruits and vegetables throughout the day, and never really snack anymore on chips or things like that. Soda is almost non-existent in my life, and I really only drink juice or water. I do it because it makes me feel good.

One thing in my life that I need to make a habit? Loving myself more. Need to love me, who I am.

What are your habits, bloggies? Good and bad. Do share. I love you all. Jamie <3

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Dog Days

Write, write, write, write. I ignore this thing sometimes because it pisses me off. It forces me to write my emotions down, and most of the time, I just don't feel like it. Cause then I'll have to rationalize, and then I'll have to think that 'things aren't so bad' when they feel bad. And then that's me being selfish. Looks like I'll just have to face the facts, though. No more running away.

I just feel dumb, and embarrassed. Like things are going nowhere. I feel like I just can't find myself. I don't know what I want or where I'm supposed to be. And I know that it's normal to feel like this, but it's a constant wearing thought. It eats me alive. I'll I want to do is pop some sleeping  pills, and call it a night.

And that's what some days have been like. In the middle of the afternoon, I'll take some tylenol pm, benadryl, whatever, and just climb into bed until I have to wake up and do my homework. I blame some on the Lexapro, it gives me mad mood swings. Like the other morning, I felt like I was so excited. About what, I have no idea. I was sitting in class, practically bouncing in my seat. It was a high that lasted for half the day. And that made me happy, I felt real again. But after it went away, it hasn't been back, and I've been back in the lows.

But I feel like sometimes I use the anxiety/depression as a crutch sometimes. Like a small part of me doesn't want them to go away. Because if they do, I'll have to be successful. I'll have no reason why I'm not succeeding in everything I do. I can't handle the failure, or what people would fathom to think. And even if they have no clue about this ordeal (because I don't tell anyone other than like 2 of my friends) at least I know. I can look at them and know the truth.

I'm paranoid like that, though. Always thinking that people are thinking negative things about me. It's a terrible habit. Enough craziness for one post, though. I'm driving my mind in circles haha. I need to pull myself back out of my mind so I can laugh at the absurdity. Always be able to laugh at yourself.

I freaking love E! tv. It's all I watch anymore haha. Chelsea Handler just cracks me up. She brightened up my day today. How is all the other bloggies out there?