Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm doing Reginald today

'The Boyfriend List' is one of my all-time favorite books.  It's about a girl who experiences panic attacks due to the 'debacle' of the past couple of months in which her boyfriend dumped her and got with her best friend, all her friends dumped her, and she became known as a famous slut even though she is still a virgin. It's definitely on the lighter side, and so hilarious. It puts a humorous spin on all kinds of ugly, and definitely relate-able.

The main character ends up going to therapy, and she calls her depressive days and therapy processes 'Reginald'.  So that's what I'm going to call it, too. Today, I'm doing Reginald. But I didn't write to try and convince you to read a book. I came because I have some claims to share with you.

So, I don't know about all of you, but I am a huge worrier (GAD) and even though I HATE IT, I care so much about what people think. Too much. And I know, I know, I shouldn't care. I'm aware of this. And people will constantly tell you to be yourself and to not care, and while they're saying all of this, they are leaving out one very important detail.Just how to do it.

Believe me, if I knew how to stop worrying about the thoughts of others, I would have done so long ago. I just don't know how. If any of you are lucky enough to be like this, how do you do it? Please haha share, how do you just go out and be yourself. I admire people like you, I just don't know how to put myself out there.

I just, blah blah blah. I don't know. This is the frustrating part, coming to terms with what I'm afraid of, then confronting the issue. Okay, I accept I worry about what people think. But now what do I do to change it. My therapist didn't get to that part when I asked him, he was busy asking me, "Now what is the worst thing that someone could think about you?" And going around in that circle-y thing therapists do. So I need you're help ladies and gentlemen. How do you guys do it lol I'm open to any tips.

This was an up and down post, symbolic of my up and down Tuesday. I love you guys <3 Jamie.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

It's a quarter after 3, I'm all alone..

I don't understand how genetics works. Like, why some genes are inherited and others aren't. How you and your brother and your sister can be so different. Or so alike. How, why.

I'm a religious person, so really, to me the only answer is that God decides. It's comforting, that thought. Because he made you the way He wanted. So, you can never be wrong, in that kind of sense. And I guess I'll never get the answer to the 'Why'. Why are people the way they are. Who knows.

This is what has been keeping me awake. It's 3 a.m. I'd told myself that I'd go to bed at like 1, and here I am, 2 hours later. You know what I could've done in those 2 hours? My like 20 page lab due on Tuesday, but no, I sat here. I'm not feeling the motivation. And although I'll be freaking out later, right now I just don't care.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I guess I just have to trust in God for those kind of questionings.

So what did I do with my Sunday? I went to church, took some tylenol pm, then crashed for about 6 hours. What did you do with yours?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Where Do You Wander?

I would like to introduce you all to one of my best friends, Denial.  Denial comes around whenever things become to overwhelming, and he takes it away.  It's almost like my problems never even existed when Denial comforts me. Upset about something? Denial says a few sweet nothings in my ear, and suddenly I'm restored.

Enter my other pal, Running Away. Running picks up where Denial has left off. Running makes sure I never go back to being troubled. She carries me far away from the source, and leaves me there. It's like a rush, Running can take me places where I'm so far gone, things almost become normal again.

Running and Denial often make me nervous, but there always around when I'm at my lowest points. So how can they be wrong if they relieve all the pressure?

Oh, and I should probably mention Reality. Reality pisses me off most of the time. It's always hitting me upside the head, asking me why I hang out with Denial and Running. Reality rips me out of the comfort zone, and pushes me back into the very problems my other friends take away.

But in the end of things, Reality is what I know I have to hold on to. The friend that I want to be my maid of honor at my wedding. The one I look to while making decisions.  Denial can take me a few yards, Running can carry me for weeks, but Reality is the very ground I walk on. If Reality is the sky, then Running is the plane that takes me through it. Denial are the clouds that cover it up, making it hard to see.

Because planes can crash, and clouds come and go. The sky is a constant.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

One Step at a Time

Because sitting here in my room, at this moment, 11:12 pm, I don't feel so bad. Only for a split second though, and then the fogginess comes back. I can pretend for one second that I'm not overwhelmed with thoughts of the future or even my stagnant present life. That's what anxiety is, it's racing thoughts, a constant circle. Like one of those nascar races. The location is my chest, and it swirls and swirls and swirls. In my head, the weather is cloudy.

This is probably one of my biggest fears right now, going crazy. Anxiety is big this time of year for me, although I have no idea why. Maybe the short days, cold weather, I don't know. But what I do know is that sometimes I feel like I'm just walking on the thinnest ice. Or standing on the edge. Ready to fall. It's scary.

I went back to therapy today. It took awhile for me to build up the courage. But I know I need to be there, and it felt so good. However, it brings a whole lot of other worries I'm not ready to worry about. Sometimes being depressed is a good escape from the anxiety. It's more relaxed at least. It's a nice breath, although we know we can't stay depressed forever.

So many fears, so many worries. To afraid. Paralyzed again. He tells me I have anxiety/depressive disorder. I knew that. He wants me to think about medication, but I just don't know. I don't want to get hooked. I don't want to have to rely on them, I've heard to many horror stories. But then again a pill just being able to take off the edge would do me so good. I think I might try.

So yeah, that was my Wednesday? How was yours? I love you bloggies, though. Even if it's just one person reading, your my outlet. Thank you so much, I need somewhere were I can be completely honest, and no one calls me crazy. Thanks haha. <3