Saturday, November 27, 2010

So Raise Your Glass!

Hola Chickas. I say that because I think I only have girl followers. Today is going to be a short little bloggy for numerous reasons.  The first being i am terribly hung over (shot for shot of bankers is never a good idea) and secondly because I have to pack and run to the store because I'm going to Florida :) (woohoo).  I live in rural PA so I cannot WAITTT to get out of this cold weather.  It snowed yesterday for thanksgiving, freaking snowed.  So it'll be a nice little get away.

So my question of the day for you ladies is what is the worst drunken experience you've ever had?  Mine would have to be when I was at the beach last summer with all of my girl friends and I thought it was a good idea to bong a 4 Loko (also never a good idea).  Needless to say, I blacked out shortly after and the only flicker of memory is that I was making out with this boy (bad idea again, i'm seeing a pattern here) who I'd just met and I started calling him 'Big Boy'.  I have to shudder at that, so embarrassing.  My girlfriends still call me big boy to this day.  And later on that night I threw up for what felt like hours and hours.  I was still drunk the next day, but on the plus side I did collect alot of pretty sea shells because we ended up going at like 6 in the am to the beach.  I will never bong a drink again. 

Oh wait I lied I did bong a drink this other time.  Me and my best friend were at her college bonging some more, and later that night I remember being in her dorm shower with this huge man and her yelling 'JAMIE TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF'. Dear goodness. Okay enough of embarassing stories from me, so what are yours? I'm sorry if you don't drink. (Can I even mention drinking on this blog?) And if you don't, your question could be what are your thoughts on drinking, why don't you do it?

So yes i should be going, I have my shower running and its fogging up this bathroom and my screen.  Peace out, A town down.  I'll update soon if I find an app for my iphone that let's me.

ALSO WAIT DON'T GO!  I'm terrified of flying on a plane, can anyone give me some tips for flying and not being nervous? Seriously it's like panic attack after panic attack, HELP haha.

Love yousss - Jamerz.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Hi hello. Happy Thanksgiving! Alright well, technically the day after thanksgiving cause it's like 2 in the morning here, but who's counting.  I'm not going to bore all maybe 12 of you (for seriousness, i keep following my own blog just to you know up my followers, and so now 3 of my followers are in fact, me.  and i follow all under this one account. cool) with what I am thankful for, and explanations.  Today my priest at the church said it best, to just be thankful for simply being. It says a lot.

So, if you're still reading, which probably is maybe 2, 2 and a half of you, I would like to know what are your body image insecurities? What do you like about yourself? What don't you like about yourself?

Thought I would give you some space to think it over.  It is a pretty intimidating question.  Some of you probably can rattle off the top of your head what you love and hate, all in one shot.  But you might be like me, and skip over that question.  Pretend it wasn't addressed to you, even though you're the only one that's reading it.  Seriously, I have the worst flight tendencies.  The flight part of the 'fight vs. flight' issue was probably made for me.  I have to work on it, I'm trying.  Instead of running away from the worry and anxiety a new situation presents itself with, I try to face it head on.  Let's just say that's a work in progress. But anywho, yes, I would definitely flight that question.

But today I'm here to fight it.  Okay let's see.  I'm first going to say that I'm a petite girl, only 5'1 and with like little bones.  People often mistake me for a 16 year old girl.  But the thing is, I have some tits (hopefully not offensive, I frequently like to yell "TITS!" when I screw up. Similar to how you would say, damn, or fuck.)  And I'm not like bone skinny.  I have some like cushion, maybe that's not the right word, but like baggage on my tummy, and on my sides, and on my thighs, and on my face.  I'd like to think of my self as a normal person just like tinier.  But those would be my dislikes, the extra baggage, I just wish I could cut it off.  I also don't like my nose, I don't think it fits in proportion to my face, and I don't like my skin. I have terrible skin.

On a positive note, I do like the general shape of my body. I think I have an attractive face, and maybe there's not too much baggage. And I really like my feet, my back up plan in like if this psychology thing doesn't work out is to become a foot model. I do like my body, for the most part, I just wish I was toned. Gotta work on that, helloooo jillian michaels..

But with all this food on this thanksgiving holiday, I can't help but to think about all the calories I had today.  I don't have an eating disorder, but I will say I have a touch of something.  I always mentally go over what kind of calories, but I don't starve or anything.  It's just like a constant diet, and guilty when I mess up.  Nothing too big.  I can also be a touch bulimic I supposed also, but that's usually when I'm upset and I literally feel the need to throw up my emotions.  I say to myself, but what woman DOESN'T have a touch of these things at one point in her life, and the answer is none. We all do, we're girls for crying out loud.  We care what people think, to some degree.  Some care too much, others hardly at all (oh how I envy you girls that can do this haha).  So right now I'm just not feeling the best, and I feel fat. I ate like seriously what has to be 50 pounds of filling haha.

And I know these pointless diary entries are so negative, but again I feel like I write when I'm down, or something's bugging me. But I'm trying to change that too.  (I don't know why I compulsively have to reiterate that this blog is like my diary, it's probably because I care what people think. actually, it is).

So let's write about something positive really quick about my day.  THE FILLING! It was delicious haha. On a more serious note though, it made me happy getting texts from the bunches of people wishing you a happy thanksgiving. It's nice to know you're being thought of.  And of course I love the family, I love being with my cousins and grandparents and relatives. It just makes me feel like other problems go away.

Well, I should probably get some sleep now.  Don't forget about the question of the day.  I have to wake up in like  7 hours, which is good.  But I probably won't sleep until like 4, because my stupid phone is like frozen. I accidentally dropped it in the very filling i keep going on and on about.  Haha so I'm going to smash it off the wall!

Love yous.  And I truly hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. - Jamiee.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A sharp jab of emotions

So this is now definitely turning into a diary, and not a blog. but hey this works for me. it's what i need.

My brother just called here to home, he was sleeping at his ex girlfriends house.  But he called to say he got this huge job that's in maryland or virginia or somewhere like that. actually i think it's in dc.  it's almost 2 in the am by the way, and I was expecting him to be calling and asking for me to pick his drunk ass up and bring him home.  To my surprise, he calls about this big job.  My first thoughts - jealousy/anger.  I have no idea why.  We have this weird relationship.  All growing up he bullied me, telling me how he didn't respect me and how unpopular I was and how much of a loser I was.  From then on it's been like a competition. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart.  It's just that we have deep sibling rivalry, well I do anyway.  I don't know where it comes from.  Probably because whenever he's around the world revolves around him, or so I think. I don't know, but we do love each other. If we ever need something, we got each others back.

But so yeah. I think I'm jealous because he was the one to get out.  He was the one to survive our upbringing. It's not like we had it rough, not like that at all.  But it was the complete opposite.  We were given everything.  Anything I desired handed to me.  I never had to work hard for anything.  Never had chores, never had to clean up after myself.  It was all done.  Plus I never really had punishments.  You might think, hey that sounds great.  But it is kind of poison.  I love my parents, but they weren't hard on me at all.  Never pushing me.  And unfortunately, it carried on today.  I still never have deep motivation, and I still get mad or frustrated when things don't go away.  But now I realize i'm the one that has to learn from all of this, and I just hope i'm not too late. Maybe i'm unrealistic, and I most likely am selfish.  But I wish i had those hard parents that made me get a job at 16 and I had to clean the house and make my bed when i was 9.  I feel like i'd be more hardworking.  So I get angry, at my parents.  I love them, but I get angry. 

And really, i'm a psychology major, and I feel like this is me blaming others for my problems.  But I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could be happy for my brother, and be more forwarding.  Whenever I think of doing something remotely hard tho, I go numb.  It's almost like I give up before I realize it.  I want to be happy for him, I want to have a strong relationship with him. 

So if you're still reading (and probably not, it's okay I understand, I have a lot of feelings) How do you feel about your brothers and sisters? Is there any competition? Do you have your own harsh stories? Please share with me below.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Follow your dreams? Literally?

Last night before I went to bed I was praying to God.  I asked him to please guide me and that I just feel very lost.  So I went to bed later that night and had this dream about me at my old college that I transferred out of.  And in the dream I remember looking around and thinking, 'is this where i belong?'  So what does all this mean?!?! I have no idea.  In case you were wondering, the most important decision right now in my life is deciding what I am going to do next year.  In terms of school I mean.  I don't know if I ever mentioned this back story.  So, cue the backstory!

Well, I started out in this really small and private college in the middle of nowhere.  But you know me, I don't adapt well, and well it was really overwhelming.  It wasn't that I minded being away from home (in fact, i loved my independence) it was that I couldn't make the friends.  I'm impatient, I like things to happen right away.  But they didn't.  Me and my roomate actually were like best friends, but we weren't all that alike.  She didn't party, and I would've went out every night if the opportunity presented itself.  And then I had another really good friend, but she turned out to be not so trustworthy.  Okay I'm wavering away from the real point.  But anyway so somehow my reputation was trashed at the school and became known as a slut.  How, I don't know.  I only had sex with one guy in those 4 months.  But yes so during that I made some not so nice girl friends.  However I did have many guy friends.  For some reason I find it so much easier to talk to guys, they aren't so judgmental I feel at least.  Okay where am I going with this?  Wrapping it up, I left because it wasn't working out.  I felt the chips were not just falling into the wrong place.  But maybe I really did leave because I couldn't handle not making friends, and I was embarrassed. There are so many other factors in play, but that was a major one.  Looking back I wish I wouldn't of left so quickly, but this was only a year ago.

So yes so it's either to return to that old college (where I do have some people there) or onto a completely new one with girls I am acquaintances with.  I find it hard to start over. I hate those first 2 weeks when everyone is meeting and its semi akward.  I'd rather just skip a month into it.  Or my other option is to go to another completely different college whole.  Okay let me break that down more simply.  It's either 1) onto the HUGE state university (I won't say the name but it is HUGE 20,000 ppl) after the branch campus that I am now, 2) back to the private college, or 3) onto a completely and irrelevant new one.  I'm thinking ivy league, I haven't hit that kind of school yet.  I often joke to my family I'm going to spend every semester at a different college, but for real the joke might become my reality. I just don't know what to do.  I hate decisions blah blah blah blah.

Again so back to the beginning haha.  Should I pursue this  dream I had last night.  Is it a sign? Or am I just confused. I have no idea.  Maybe I'll try and become a soap opera actress, that doesn't seem to hard.  I'll move to L.A., yep that sounds good right now haha. It's funny also because I really love General Hospital the soap opera. Try and watch it sometime.

And Sparrow haha your comment made me laugh.  Yes, I should be thankful that I can count:).  You kind of pulled me away from me being the center, so I thank you.  I need to remind myself that so much more out there is happening and that life sometimes doesn't seem that bad in comparison to what it could be.  I am, in fact, truly blessed.

But do you know what's oddly comforting to me?  Okay see if you can get on my level for a sec.  Think about you who you are and you're personality.  Now think if you were placed in an entirely different life, poor, diseased, dying, anything like that.  Or it can even be the extravagant lifestyle, a movie start perhaps. You would still be you.  Your quirks and likes and dislikes and reactions and moods and tendencies and who you truly are would still be there. You are made you for a reason.  We are who we are for a reason.  We have a purpose and we were created specifically unique.  That comforts me.  Everything happens for a reason, know what I'm saying?

Okay I better wrap this thing up.  I have ke$ha's song stuck in my head now from when i wrote 'we are who we are.'  (gimme a beat) :chicka chicka psht psht: Hot and dangeroussss.  Did you also know kesha was on the simple life before she was famous? small world, hmm.

I love you all <3 - Jamie.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Here we go again.

Hi there. So yes, I have been gone for quite awhile. 2 months already? Time just flies.  But I highly doubt any of you were pinning yourself wondering 'Oh my goodness! When will Jamie update? I will not rest until the day comes!"  Ha. I'm sorry to the 8 of you.  Truthfully I wish it could be that I was so busy with my extravagant lifestyle that I didn't have a moment to spare, but that simply isn't true.  I hated this little thing for awhile, because I felt like I failed it.  I told myself I will start a blog and write in it all the time, and here I failed.  Every time I saw it on my toolbar, I'd be all 'eff that.' But now I'm inspired. Well not inspired, there's just so much inside my chest that is currently suffocating me, and I feel the need to let it out. 

Number 1), I feel like everyone around me is moving on with life, and here I am still same old me.  I just can't find it in myself to adapt well to just about anything.  I have issues with change, and why I don't know.  Can someone offer me some help on where this comes from? Anyway, when I see people doing exciting things and then it's just me here, I start to freak out.  But then I become numb, and I recoil in this little ball in my chest, where I feel safe.  I block everything out. But this ball is lately been the trouble.  I can't feel anything.  Everything is sucked in a lost.  In my mind and wound together.  Creating this big mess.  I feel as if i do nothing significant.  I'm just a paperclip in a box of paperclips (yes, that's the most creative analogy I can come up with).  Usually I try to remain positive, like I said, but right now it's becoming overwhelming.  I can't sit here and let life pass me by.  But what else do I do? I don't even know where to start.  This is where that pregnancy desire comes into play.  At least then something would drive me.  But nope, it's just me. I feel alone.

Number 2) Usually I'm not this open, even in a diary.  I feel embarassed.  So weird, to even be self conscious around your own self.  It's not weird. It's freaking messed up.  Yet here I am.  Not wanting to spill my deepest thoughts, one's I've even been denying of myself.  Anyway, so I have a problem with making friends.  I just can't.  I have friends don't get me wrong, and they're great.  But most of them are away at school, minus my one friend at school who tries to set me up with her drug dealer guy friends. And I do have a couple at school, but no close close close ones like my best friends are to me.  I want that. I want that bonding.  And I just want to make new ones, but I can't. I don't know what to say or how to go about it.  I'm a moron.  I used to be able to make friends so fast, but it looks like that window has closed.  And what the heck do i do. Can someone please give me some tips? I sound like such a loser but truthfully I can careless right now.  Alright I lied I do care but for the sake of my sanity I need to admit this.  Lol please to be scared off by my craziness.

3)  Sometimes I just want to start over.  I think I've mentioned that before.  But it's so true.  To be able to drive to like california and start life over.  That'd be swell. I think I could do better that way.  Maybe I could let loose.  Let down this freaking guard.  I freaking hate the guard.  Why do I have it. I don't know.  Okay and maybe I can get a horse, they are amazing.  Randomness I know, but I truly love them.  When I'm in my 30s I would like to own a ranch haha.

4) Why am I numbering things, I don't even know.  I want to post in this more often.  Motiviate me? I'll motivate you too. We can do this together, I could use a friend (haaa.)

I luh yous.  Jamie.