Saturday, September 18, 2010

Aces Wild.

We are only dealt one hand in life.  We can either fold at the start, or keep going until no matter the wins or losses. I'd like to think I made that quote up myself, but I'm sure someone or another had already stated the general idea in some other way.  But that pretty much sums up my feelings right now.

I'm in a particularly odd mood.  Number one: I'm pissed.  So I wanted to go visit my friend in that goes to college about an hour away.  The problem was that my parents wouldn't let me drive by myself, and that someone else had to drive me.  So I solved the problem myself.  I told my parents that one of my friends was coming with me, when she really wasn't.  In my head this was a great idea and no strings attached.  So I got there no problem (fearless, yeah buddy), but then came the setback.  My mom and dad later saw the friend that I told them was coming with me.  WHAT ARE THE FREAKING CHANCES. MY FREAKING LUCK. So now I'm grounded.

Okay so I know I shouldn't have lied, but its just so frustrating to me that I couldn't drive an hour away. How gay is that? I got so furious I wanted to prove to them that I could do it.  I was literally outraged and I didn't care. So now I'm grounded.

The thing though is I pity myself way to much. I have a good life, except no self-confidence.  Honestly, none. It's sad I know.  But really, who doesn't have poor self confidence? Everyone sees there flaws. the problem is I'm so self absorbent that I fail to see this.  I don't want to feel this self pity I HATE IT.  I just want to not feel bad for myself. I want to kick myself in the ass. That's what I need. I need to stop blaming others and blame myself. I'm old enough to take all responsibility. And from now on I will. 

So these are the new steps I'm taking in life: 1) Stop blaming others and justifying all your actions because your not crazy.  2) Blame yourself, accept yourself and your craziness 3) Move on. Life goes on.

That's the thing I'm struggling the most. I feel like I dish out all this advice and bitch and complain about how its not that hard.  But I can't take my own advice. I can't accept that life isn't so bad, that life isn't all about me.  I seriously need to work on it. I need to take things one day at a time, and I need to be hard on myself.

So yeah. There we go. I'm pissed, just pissed. Well upset also I cried all morning.  I know it's so dumb and I know that everyone feels this way one or another, but I feel like my character flaws will not allow me to move on in life.  That I'll live a rough life. That's probably not the case, that's how I feel.  I feel like I know all this stuff but my MIND doesn't get it.  Any advice?

ejtrwehsgdfklhwebtgfhl blah. I want to escape, but I have to face my own life.

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