RENT!

Anxiety > Depression > Numbness.

That's the cycle of my mind. But it's weird because I think my mind is so used to it, that I just go straight to numb. Literally, just had an anxious thought about my future. Then it went to me being depressed, and now I feel numb. All in a matter of seconds.

Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred thoughts, how do you measure, a crazy person's thoughts?

The mind amazes me. With the mind's eye, and mind's voice. Baffling.

Really, that's it for me today. Check and mark.

Perfect.

Today was, dare I say, a good day.

I wrote "dare I say" because I have this thing, this complex. Is complex even the right word? I have no idea. But anywhore, I feel like I'm going to jinx myself.

If I say something is going good, then I feel like it will turn bad. If I keep thinking things are shitty, things will be good. Maybe it's about having no expectations, that kind of thing.

Or maybe it's that if I say today is going to be a good day, or things are going good, then there is pressure. The pressure to keeps things good or make things good. And for some reason I cannot handle that.

My therapist says I'm a perfectionist. And I'm like, how the fuck can I be a perfectionist when I can't do ANYTHING perfect? I don't get it. When I think of a person who is a perfectionist in school, they usually get A's, not F's.  What am I a perfectionist in? Being imperfect?

Perfect is such a pretty word. So pretty it should be in italics. Perfect. 

If I could be perfect in one thing, it would be to be perfect in all social situations. Knowing what to say and when to say it at all times. Charisma. That's what I want, probably more than anything. Just because I think I lack it.

Well that's all I have to say. Deuces.

Dear Reader,

I wish people still wrote letters to each other. To me, it seems so much more heartfelt. There's just a blank page, and you write out all your feelings and thoughts, what you're doing and where you're going.

In a text, it's so informal. Usually with poor grammar and starting with a "what's up?"

People get mad if you don't respond within a ten minute time frame. For letters, people used to wait days. I am about 100 times more happy when I get something in the mail than when I wake up to a text message.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-text. I think it's good for somethings, like quick checking in with a friend or a parent. Letting someone know you're outside, what time something is going on.

But to argue over a text message is something I will not do. You can't understand the tone anyone says. I would call someone and talk any day, rather then text and ask what's wrong. Phone is a much more intimate experience.

The solution would probably mean for me to get a pen pal. Although, I'm 20, probably way to late lol. Isn't that something your supposed to do when you're like 12? But still it seems like a great experience. I'm going to do some research.

There is a commenter, The Blasphemous Atheist (I think), that always comments on my blog and ends with cheers. I love that :).

So cheers.
Jamie.

A lesson in rational thinking.

I just feel. Gah. I don't know. What do I feel?

I feel judgments. I have this paranoia that everyone is judging and talking about me behind my back.

I work at a restaurant, and I love working there. But whenever someone is like talking and laughing with another person, my mind starts to reel. Is that me they're talking about? Did I mess up or say the wrong thing? Do they secretly hate me?

Irrational. But even though I know it's irrational, it hasn't gone away yet. They (meaning those in the psychological field) say you can diminish a thought once you stop feeding into it or once you start correcting yourself. But I guess it's harder than that. I feel like you have to really BELIEVE it. Okay for example:

Irrational thought: Everyone is talking behind my back and hates me.

Now, to extinguish it's power, this is what you tell yourself:

Fixed thought: People aren't talking about me, I'm a good worker and friend.

However, after I say the fixed thought, this is what my mind retorts back with:

Mind's Back Talk: Are you kidding yourself? You're in denial.

So, thus begins a difficult argument between rational and irrational minds. Although it's not one or the other. There both mixed.

I'm just going to just stick with the fixed thought, and keep telling myself it.

Embrace it.

I just watched the ABC special on Jaycee Lee Dugard.  Amazing. I can't even begin to describe the amount of admiration and respect I have for a woman that has come out so strong out of such a traumatic experience.  She found motivation even in the most horrific conditions.

A baby at FOURTEEN?! In the BACKYARD?! Without her own mother there, only with her captors. How she survived that is inspiring.  She held on to that hope. She held on to the love she had for her new daughter and the hope she had kept for her own mother.

And when I'm having a shitty day, I have to remember to hold on to this hope and love. If nothing else is going right, look for the love you have. Reflect on it. Think of a time someone made you smile, or a time you made someone else smile. Think of that one member of your family makes you feel safe.  Or think of that friend, that one friend who is your 2 a.m., the person you can call and they would listen.

Allow yourself to embrace this, and maybe your mood might become a little brighter.

Wow, what a detour. I think sometimes I literally just talk to myself, try to instill this through typing it. Hey, strange coping method, but I'll take it. A little lighter blog post was in definite dire need. Peace&Love.

Assembly of Anguish

I think a panic attack may be coming on. What a better way than to just write. (Skip the following paragraph, it's assembly of anguish.)

I'm afraid I'm not going to survive this transition into full adulthood.  I'm afraid of people catching me in a lie.  I'm afraid of people thinking I'm awkward.  I'm afraid I don't have good social skills.  I'm afraid of people's judgments.  I'm afraid of leaving people behind, of moving on. Afraid of change and any kind of natural disaster. I'm afraid of running my life into the ground. I'm afraid that I'm doing that now.

And I feel like I cannot be honest with anyone, because I don't want anyone to even know this insecure side of me. I want everyone to think that I have at least some of my life together.

Early I was tired of being depressed, now I'm tired of fighting.
But everyday I'll wake up and fight again.
It's either that or die.
And dying isn't an option for me.

You can either live or you can die.

I'm just so damn sick of being anxious and scared. I'M SO SICK OF HAVING LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

I'm so sick of it all. So damn tired of it. I'm just I'm not going to deal with this today. It's live or die, that's how I see life now.

You can either live or you can die.  This life right now that I'm in, these attitudes and emotions are all death. This lifestyle will break me eventually. I can either let it break me, or I can fucking fight.

Today I'm going to fight. Can't control other people, you can only control yourself.

Sometimes an I don't care attitude is easier than an I do care attitude.