Today was, dare I say, a good day.
I wrote "dare I say" because I have this thing, this complex. Is complex even the right word? I have no idea. But anywhore, I feel like I'm going to jinx myself.
If I say something is going good, then I feel like it will turn bad. If I keep thinking things are shitty, things will be good. Maybe it's about having no expectations, that kind of thing.
Or maybe it's that if I say today is going to be a good day, or things are going good, then there is pressure. The pressure to keeps things good or make things good. And for some reason I cannot handle that.
My therapist says I'm a perfectionist. And I'm like, how the fuck can I be a perfectionist when I can't do ANYTHING perfect? I don't get it. When I think of a person who is a perfectionist in school, they usually get A's, not F's. What am I a perfectionist in? Being imperfect?
Perfect is such a pretty word. So pretty it should be in italics. Perfect.
If I could be perfect in one thing, it would be to be perfect in all social situations. Knowing what to say and when to say it at all times. Charisma. That's what I want, probably more than anything. Just because I think I lack it.
Well that's all I have to say. Deuces.