Last night before I went to bed I was praying to God. I asked him to please guide me and that I just feel very lost. So I went to bed later that night and had this dream about me at my old college that I transferred out of. And in the dream I remember looking around and thinking, 'is this where i belong?' So what does all this mean?!?! I have no idea. In case you were wondering, the most important decision right now in my life is deciding what I am going to do next year. In terms of school I mean. I don't know if I ever mentioned this back story. So, cue the backstory!
Well, I started out in this really small and private college in the middle of nowhere. But you know me, I don't adapt well, and well it was really overwhelming. It wasn't that I minded being away from home (in fact, i loved my independence) it was that I couldn't make the friends. I'm impatient, I like things to happen right away. But they didn't. Me and my roomate actually were like best friends, but we weren't all that alike. She didn't party, and I would've went out every night if the opportunity presented itself. And then I had another really good friend, but she turned out to be not so trustworthy. Okay I'm wavering away from the real point. But anyway so somehow my reputation was trashed at the school and became known as a slut. How, I don't know. I only had sex with one guy in those 4 months. But yes so during that I made some not so nice girl friends. However I did have many guy friends. For some reason I find it so much easier to talk to guys, they aren't so judgmental I feel at least. Okay where am I going with this? Wrapping it up, I left because it wasn't working out. I felt the chips were not just falling into the wrong place. But maybe I really did leave because I couldn't handle not making friends, and I was embarrassed. There are so many other factors in play, but that was a major one. Looking back I wish I wouldn't of left so quickly, but this was only a year ago.
So yes so it's either to return to that old college (where I do have some people there) or onto a completely new one with girls I am acquaintances with. I find it hard to start over. I hate those first 2 weeks when everyone is meeting and its semi akward. I'd rather just skip a month into it. Or my other option is to go to another completely different college whole. Okay let me break that down more simply. It's either 1) onto the HUGE state university (I won't say the name but it is HUGE 20,000 ppl) after the branch campus that I am now, 2) back to the private college, or 3) onto a completely and irrelevant new one. I'm thinking ivy league, I haven't hit that kind of school yet. I often joke to my family I'm going to spend every semester at a different college, but for real the joke might become my reality. I just don't know what to do. I hate decisions blah blah blah blah.
Again so back to the beginning haha. Should I pursue this dream I had last night. Is it a sign? Or am I just confused. I have no idea. Maybe I'll try and become a soap opera actress, that doesn't seem to hard. I'll move to L.A., yep that sounds good right now haha. It's funny also because I really love General Hospital the soap opera. Try and watch it sometime.
And Sparrow haha your comment made me laugh. Yes, I should be thankful that I can count:). You kind of pulled me away from me being the center, so I thank you. I need to remind myself that so much more out there is happening and that life sometimes doesn't seem that bad in comparison to what it could be. I am, in fact, truly blessed.
But do you know what's oddly comforting to me? Okay see if you can get on my level for a sec. Think about you who you are and you're personality. Now think if you were placed in an entirely different life, poor, diseased, dying, anything like that. Or it can even be the extravagant lifestyle, a movie start perhaps. You would still be you. Your quirks and likes and dislikes and reactions and moods and tendencies and who you truly are would still be there. You are made you for a reason. We are who we are for a reason. We have a purpose and we were created specifically unique. That comforts me. Everything happens for a reason, know what I'm saying?
Okay I better wrap this thing up. I have ke$ha's song stuck in my head now from when i wrote 'we are who we are.' (gimme a beat) :chicka chicka psht psht: Hot and dangeroussss. Did you also know kesha was on the simple life before she was famous? small world, hmm.
I love you all <3 - Jamie.