A sharp jab of emotions

So this is now definitely turning into a diary, and not a blog. but hey this works for me. it's what i need.

My brother just called here to home, he was sleeping at his ex girlfriends house.  But he called to say he got this huge job that's in maryland or virginia or somewhere like that. actually i think it's in dc.  it's almost 2 in the am by the way, and I was expecting him to be calling and asking for me to pick his drunk ass up and bring him home.  To my surprise, he calls about this big job.  My first thoughts - jealousy/anger.  I have no idea why.  We have this weird relationship.  All growing up he bullied me, telling me how he didn't respect me and how unpopular I was and how much of a loser I was.  From then on it's been like a competition. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart.  It's just that we have deep sibling rivalry, well I do anyway.  I don't know where it comes from.  Probably because whenever he's around the world revolves around him, or so I think. I don't know, but we do love each other. If we ever need something, we got each others back.

But so yeah. I think I'm jealous because he was the one to get out.  He was the one to survive our upbringing. It's not like we had it rough, not like that at all.  But it was the complete opposite.  We were given everything.  Anything I desired handed to me.  I never had to work hard for anything.  Never had chores, never had to clean up after myself.  It was all done.  Plus I never really had punishments.  You might think, hey that sounds great.  But it is kind of poison.  I love my parents, but they weren't hard on me at all.  Never pushing me.  And unfortunately, it carried on today.  I still never have deep motivation, and I still get mad or frustrated when things don't go away.  But now I realize i'm the one that has to learn from all of this, and I just hope i'm not too late. Maybe i'm unrealistic, and I most likely am selfish.  But I wish i had those hard parents that made me get a job at 16 and I had to clean the house and make my bed when i was 9.  I feel like i'd be more hardworking.  So I get angry, at my parents.  I love them, but I get angry. 

And really, i'm a psychology major, and I feel like this is me blaming others for my problems.  But I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could be happy for my brother, and be more forwarding.  Whenever I think of doing something remotely hard tho, I go numb.  It's almost like I give up before I realize it.  I want to be happy for him, I want to have a strong relationship with him. 

So if you're still reading (and probably not, it's okay I understand, I have a lot of feelings) How do you feel about your brothers and sisters? Is there any competition? Do you have your own harsh stories? Please share with me below.