Sunday, November 21, 2010

Here we go again.

Hi there. So yes, I have been gone for quite awhile. 2 months already? Time just flies.  But I highly doubt any of you were pinning yourself wondering 'Oh my goodness! When will Jamie update? I will not rest until the day comes!"  Ha. I'm sorry to the 8 of you.  Truthfully I wish it could be that I was so busy with my extravagant lifestyle that I didn't have a moment to spare, but that simply isn't true.  I hated this little thing for awhile, because I felt like I failed it.  I told myself I will start a blog and write in it all the time, and here I failed.  Every time I saw it on my toolbar, I'd be all 'eff that.' But now I'm inspired. Well not inspired, there's just so much inside my chest that is currently suffocating me, and I feel the need to let it out. 

Number 1), I feel like everyone around me is moving on with life, and here I am still same old me.  I just can't find it in myself to adapt well to just about anything.  I have issues with change, and why I don't know.  Can someone offer me some help on where this comes from? Anyway, when I see people doing exciting things and then it's just me here, I start to freak out.  But then I become numb, and I recoil in this little ball in my chest, where I feel safe.  I block everything out. But this ball is lately been the trouble.  I can't feel anything.  Everything is sucked in a lost.  In my mind and wound together.  Creating this big mess.  I feel as if i do nothing significant.  I'm just a paperclip in a box of paperclips (yes, that's the most creative analogy I can come up with).  Usually I try to remain positive, like I said, but right now it's becoming overwhelming.  I can't sit here and let life pass me by.  But what else do I do? I don't even know where to start.  This is where that pregnancy desire comes into play.  At least then something would drive me.  But nope, it's just me. I feel alone.

Number 2) Usually I'm not this open, even in a diary.  I feel embarassed.  So weird, to even be self conscious around your own self.  It's not weird. It's freaking messed up.  Yet here I am.  Not wanting to spill my deepest thoughts, one's I've even been denying of myself.  Anyway, so I have a problem with making friends.  I just can't.  I have friends don't get me wrong, and they're great.  But most of them are away at school, minus my one friend at school who tries to set me up with her drug dealer guy friends. And I do have a couple at school, but no close close close ones like my best friends are to me.  I want that. I want that bonding.  And I just want to make new ones, but I can't. I don't know what to say or how to go about it.  I'm a moron.  I used to be able to make friends so fast, but it looks like that window has closed.  And what the heck do i do. Can someone please give me some tips? I sound like such a loser but truthfully I can careless right now.  Alright I lied I do care but for the sake of my sanity I need to admit this.  Lol please to be scared off by my craziness.

3)  Sometimes I just want to start over.  I think I've mentioned that before.  But it's so true.  To be able to drive to like california and start life over.  That'd be swell. I think I could do better that way.  Maybe I could let loose.  Let down this freaking guard.  I freaking hate the guard.  Why do I have it. I don't know.  Okay and maybe I can get a horse, they are amazing.  Randomness I know, but I truly love them.  When I'm in my 30s I would like to own a ranch haha.

4) Why am I numbering things, I don't even know.  I want to post in this more often.  Motiviate me? I'll motivate you too. We can do this together, I could use a friend (haaa.)

I luh yous.  Jamie.

1 comment:

  1. I don't write in my blog for weeks,sometimes months. I figure when the time is right, I will update it. Not that I don't have stuff to write..I just dont stress it or it becomes a chore. Chores are rarely creative!
    Sorry things are tough right now Jamie..but on the bright side??? You can still count!!!