Because sitting here in my room, at this moment, 11:12 pm, I don't feel so bad. Only for a split second though, and then the fogginess comes back. I can pretend for one second that I'm not overwhelmed with thoughts of the future or even my stagnant present life. That's what anxiety is, it's racing thoughts, a constant circle. Like one of those nascar races. The location is my chest, and it swirls and swirls and swirls. In my head, the weather is cloudy.
This is probably one of my biggest fears right now, going crazy. Anxiety is big this time of year for me, although I have no idea why. Maybe the short days, cold weather, I don't know. But what I do know is that sometimes I feel like I'm just walking on the thinnest ice. Or standing on the edge. Ready to fall. It's scary.
I went back to therapy today. It took awhile for me to build up the courage. But I know I need to be there, and it felt so good. However, it brings a whole lot of other worries I'm not ready to worry about. Sometimes being depressed is a good escape from the anxiety. It's more relaxed at least. It's a nice breath, although we know we can't stay depressed forever.
So many fears, so many worries. To afraid. Paralyzed again. He tells me I have anxiety/depressive disorder. I knew that. He wants me to think about medication, but I just don't know. I don't want to get hooked. I don't want to have to rely on them, I've heard to many horror stories. But then again a pill just being able to take off the edge would do me so good. I think I might try.
So yeah, that was my Wednesday? How was yours? I love you bloggies, though. Even if it's just one person reading, your my outlet. Thank you so much, I need somewhere were I can be completely honest, and no one calls me crazy. Thanks haha. <3