Wednesday, February 2, 2011

One Step at a Time

Because sitting here in my room, at this moment, 11:12 pm, I don't feel so bad. Only for a split second though, and then the fogginess comes back. I can pretend for one second that I'm not overwhelmed with thoughts of the future or even my stagnant present life. That's what anxiety is, it's racing thoughts, a constant circle. Like one of those nascar races. The location is my chest, and it swirls and swirls and swirls. In my head, the weather is cloudy.

This is probably one of my biggest fears right now, going crazy. Anxiety is big this time of year for me, although I have no idea why. Maybe the short days, cold weather, I don't know. But what I do know is that sometimes I feel like I'm just walking on the thinnest ice. Or standing on the edge. Ready to fall. It's scary.

I went back to therapy today. It took awhile for me to build up the courage. But I know I need to be there, and it felt so good. However, it brings a whole lot of other worries I'm not ready to worry about. Sometimes being depressed is a good escape from the anxiety. It's more relaxed at least. It's a nice breath, although we know we can't stay depressed forever.

So many fears, so many worries. To afraid. Paralyzed again. He tells me I have anxiety/depressive disorder. I knew that. He wants me to think about medication, but I just don't know. I don't want to get hooked. I don't want to have to rely on them, I've heard to many horror stories. But then again a pill just being able to take off the edge would do me so good. I think I might try.

So yeah, that was my Wednesday? How was yours? I love you bloggies, though. Even if it's just one person reading, your my outlet. Thank you so much, I need somewhere were I can be completely honest, and no one calls me crazy. Thanks haha. <3


  1. i love reading your posts because they mirror my own emotions. and you are not crazy! alright you are crazy because i am crazy too!lol. i'm not only telling you this but i'm also constantly reminding myself to stop worrying too much. blogging is always a great therapy.. to vent out and to just express ourselves without worry of judgment.

    i'm also not in my greatest spirits jamie. i get you girl. but we have to help ourselves feel better. trust, we can do this.


  2. You don't sound crazy to me hun. We all have problems and from time to time you just need a little help along the way. My life is a little 'stagnant' at the mo too (i love that description, it's like i've been looking for the perfect word to describe my circumstances and that is it!).

    I'm a new follower to your blog and i find it beautifully written, raw and honest. Keep up the good work and try to keep smiling :) xx

  3. i know the feeling, that free floating anxiety is so intense. i am so glad you went back to therapy, it used to hate going because it felt like by going i was accepting the crazy, which i now know isn't the case. therapy one piece of building the solution, we have good and bad moments and good and bad days but you are living in the solution and not the problem which puts you in a better place than you know.

    in terms of the medicine, from my own experience, i know that you have to be ready to take it or you're going to have a self fulfilling prophecy mindset towards it. i was super against taking medication for years, but when i looked at it as something I CHOSE to take every day and that if it didn't help or didn't work, I could always just stop(which to this day, despite being an addict, I have yet to feel like the medicine has control over me) I can function without it, however I choose to take it and it really does help me. When I had an open mind and took a leap of faith, I found that when I found the right medicine and took it one day at a time, it actually enhanced my life and didn't for one moment control it. Again though, everyone has their own path and that was just my experience.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts, hope things look up. :)

  4. I feel on the edge sometime, usually I listen to music to calm me down or read a good book to escape reality for a minute

  5. Gah, I know exactly how you feel. It has been suggested a few times to me by my current therapist that I start some kind of medication when I get back to Canada... so, I guess I'll be looking into that.

    Mostly, you just have to take it one day at a time, I guess. I'd love to promise you that it gets better... but I can't even promise myself that, haha.

  6. I can't really relate with the anxiety. I mean I worry about things but I can just as easily blow them off. My friend just started taking a pill for his anxiety. He was worried that they would make him different and not so concerned about school. But he says they really help. He's still like focused and everything, he just doesn't get as stressed.

    I completely understand about the depression, though. It runs in my family and I'm afraid it affects me way too much. It is relaxing because then you just veg out, but then there's the fact that you're depressed. I think a lot of it is this time of year. I always get set on edge and get slightly depressed in the second part of winter. I just have to keep telling myself it doesn't last forever and I just have to make it through.

  7. This time of the year brings havoc to everyone's life. It just wears you down so much. I've been feeling pretty crap myself lately.

  8. Some words of hope for you! I have definitely seen my fair share of anxiety. My boyfriend of 3 years has been struggling with anxiety/OCD and depression for quite some time. He too was very anxious and I remember him telling me about this cloudy free floating experience that would just make him feel so sad and so blah. He was really hesitant to go see someone and even more skeptical to go on medication. We didn't know what to expect... He was so scared.

    But now after 2 mos. plus on medication he is just so much more happy and much more of the man I fell for. He tells me all the time how happy he is with his decision to go on medication. Itis not perfect and there are still hard days but overall it has been a saving grace.

    He has his life back. It didn't change his personality at all. In fact, it just brought out all of the good that was hiding inside of him. Too scared to be shared with the world.

    God has really strengthened him and grown in him since starting as well! It has been a great thing for him and I.

    I love to see my boyfriend, not a shell when I look at him. He feels happy and it is amazing!

    I encourage you to explore all your options. It is okay to get help. Wouldn't it be silly if someone who had a high blood to deny medication.... At least until they were healthy enough on their own to learn the right tools to make themselves better.

  9. True, sometimes, to get rid of one big disorder, we embrace a smaller one. And a pill to tackle it won't be that bad if it is a one time affair. But as you said, just don't get hooked.

    Blasphemous Aesthete