Write, write, write, write. I ignore this thing sometimes because it pisses me off. It forces me to write my emotions down, and most of the time, I just don't feel like it. Cause then I'll have to rationalize, and then I'll have to think that 'things aren't so bad' when they feel bad. And then that's me being selfish. Looks like I'll just have to face the facts, though. No more running away.
I just feel dumb, and embarrassed. Like things are going nowhere. I feel like I just can't find myself. I don't know what I want or where I'm supposed to be. And I know that it's normal to feel like this, but it's a constant wearing thought. It eats me alive. I'll I want to do is pop some sleeping pills, and call it a night.
And that's what some days have been like. In the middle of the afternoon, I'll take some tylenol pm, benadryl, whatever, and just climb into bed until I have to wake up and do my homework. I blame some on the Lexapro, it gives me mad mood swings. Like the other morning, I felt like I was so excited. About what, I have no idea. I was sitting in class, practically bouncing in my seat. It was a high that lasted for half the day. And that made me happy, I felt real again. But after it went away, it hasn't been back, and I've been back in the lows.
But I feel like sometimes I use the anxiety/depression as a crutch sometimes. Like a small part of me doesn't want them to go away. Because if they do, I'll have to be successful. I'll have no reason why I'm not succeeding in everything I do. I can't handle the failure, or what people would fathom to think. And even if they have no clue about this ordeal (because I don't tell anyone other than like 2 of my friends) at least I know. I can look at them and know the truth.
I'm paranoid like that, though. Always thinking that people are thinking negative things about me. It's a terrible habit. Enough craziness for one post, though. I'm driving my mind in circles haha. I need to pull myself back out of my mind so I can laugh at the absurdity. Always be able to laugh at yourself.
I freaking love E! tv. It's all I watch anymore haha. Chelsea Handler just cracks me up. She brightened up my day today. How is all the other bloggies out there?
Hey I was wondering where your posts have been lately. Missed reading about you. I always feel more connected to you because my boyfriend suffers from anxiety and OCD, so i feel like I know what your dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI think it is really great that you realize that sometimes you don't want it to go away. When I had my eating disorders, there is was this small twisted part of me that was so protective over my anorexia and bulimia. I don't know if that is at all similar but it reminds me of that. I knew if I wanted to get better I was going to have to be vulnerable and let go of the safety blanket that I hid behind with my eating disorder.
as painful as it was, it was safe because I knew it so well. Change is scary. healing is so scary. getting better is so tough. you have to totally relearn who YOU are. Woah, weird concept.
I just thought it would brighten your heart to know that I am praying for you (right now, i'll do it so I don't forget) hehe
Keep writing girl... you very strong :)
Another honest and wonderful post :)
ReplyDeleteI've just nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award - check back at my blog to see what it's all about. Love reading your posts :)
Laura @ baxtergotbaggage.blogspot.com
I basically feel the same way right now. It's like nothing seems to be going right and you just can't see the end of it. But I think eventually there is an end to it. So you just have to keep plugging along until something happens.
ReplyDeleteOn a good note, I'm glad to see another of your posts! I love reading them. And I looove Chelsea Handler. If I could see her live I would be able to die happy.
I've been in pretty tough places like that emotionally and it's really incredibly hard. I wasn't paranoid about people thinking things, it just felt like no one ever noticed.
ReplyDeleteHope you get to feeling better soon, turning everything around seems so daunting at times.