Sunday, July 3, 2011

Assembly of Anguish

I think a panic attack may be coming on. What a better way than to just write. (Skip the following paragraph, it's assembly of anguish.)

I'm afraid I'm not going to survive this transition into full adulthood.  I'm afraid of people catching me in a lie.  I'm afraid of people thinking I'm awkward.  I'm afraid I don't have good social skills.  I'm afraid of people's judgments.  I'm afraid of leaving people behind, of moving on. Afraid of change and any kind of natural disaster. I'm afraid of running my life into the ground. I'm afraid that I'm doing that now.

And I feel like I cannot be honest with anyone, because I don't want anyone to even know this insecure side of me. I want everyone to think that I have at least some of my life together.

Early I was tired of being depressed, now I'm tired of fighting.
But everyday I'll wake up and fight again.
It's either that or die.
And dying isn't an option for me.


  1. You remind me so much of my boyfriend. Which makes me feel incredibly connected to you and your story. I wish I could help you in some way. I try to help my boyfriend everyday. It isn't a magic solution but something that really helps Andrew is to remember to focus on today. Today is all you can affect, it is all you can handle. So just rest in today and breathe. Accept that sometimes its just a hard day or believe that you can make it better. Whatever it may be try not to put so much pressure on yourself.

    I hope your day gets better!

  2. You know, I have never ventured out into the whole world totally on my own, and I'd be doing that now. But, then sometimes I think that what fool I am to have been educated and still be frightened of pulling it off, it gives me strength, and I know I'll flourish :)

    SO, stay where you are, stand ground :)

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  3. I think I've felt a lot of those things. Hang in there, it will get better. The world is not as scary as it seems, and no one truly has everything in their life all together.

    Stay strong, apple core girl.

  4. Just one step at a time. It really does get better as you age.

  5. I feel the exact same way. You are not alone.