A big weight off my shoulders last night after I posted. So much of a relief, I couldn't even fall asleep until almost the sun was up because it just had my mind reeling. I finally figured out what's been holding me back, what has held me in a stand-still. It's the fear of rejection.
I've been reading the book "Feel the Fear... And Do It Anyway" (which by the way is excellent so far) and it has really brought some of my truer feelings to light. It explained fears and how they affect us. Rejection was spot on for me. Of course, everyone has some sort of fear of rejection. But I feel mine has grasped a hold of my life. I realized now that I close myself off, shut other people out, and ultimately paralyze my feelings because I'm afraid that people won't accept me or talk about me behind my back or think unflattering thoughts about me.
I feel like there's two people inside of me. Like one Jamie is the shut off person who comes off as being socially awkward and reserved, and then there's the Jamie who's like yelling at the other one saying "What's wrong with you? Be yourself!" I literally FEEL the guard up when I'm meeting new people for the first time. And I don't know exactly how to let it down. I don't know how to STOP thinking and stop fearing that people won't accept me. But it's weird, even people who have already accepted me and some who are my best friends I can throw a guard up around. So something tells me that it has developed on it's own, well, developed more outwardly.
Like last night I was with my best friend who I've been friends with since kindergarten. And everything was going so fun until I started to become aware of myself. Instantly, self-doubt flooded me. My feelings were paralyzed, I felt even literally stiff. And for what reason? I don't know. It makes my chest feel hard. It makes me not who I truly am.
Although I have accepted that anxiety and fear is apart of who I am, it makes me me. And I am thankful for it, it drives me. It has made me make decisions and thrown me into a major I wouldn't have thought of. But when it comes to starting to change how I act and when it makes me limit myself, that's when I know things have to change. Something isn't right.
So I'll continue my quest for now the solution or way of dealing with this fear of rejection. Have you ever felt fear of being rejected? How did you handle it?
A more deeper post today. I've been feeling rather deep and emotionally in touch more lately. Most likely due to all this talk about reinvention with the New Year. It puts a perspective on things. I don't measure a year January-December though, I usually measure it in terms of school years. Does anyone else do that? Like when I think of July, I'm not like, 'Oh, last year' but when I think of May I do. So according to that calendar, my new year should be in August haha. Maybe I'll celebrate both. Hey, getting through 6 months in college is something to celebrate in my book, at least :)
I'll talk to you tomorrow, lovies. Sweet January dreams, xoxo Jamie.