Saturday, January 15, 2011

Shatter A Glass Vase.

Sick, blah, blah, blahhh. I probably cough on every other word I'm writing. I feel like my head is a balloon. And I'm coming up with some insane word vomit. It's one of those days where I want everyone just to shut up. Everyone that's texting or talking, I just want to be like shut up, no one cares. I'm angry and panicky today. An odd combination of the bunch. A frustrated rage filled panic lady on the loose. I would very much like to go kick-boxing or break like a glass vase, something along those lines. Except my energy is to drained to do so.

It's weird, sometimes I think I'm the most insane inept person on the planet, and then on days like today I feel like I'm the only one with a head. Optimism has escaped me for a little while. There's something strange about being pessimistic I've realized, it makes you feel more real, in the moment. I think because when you're being pessimistic, it's because you truly feel like shit at the moment. Bad things can sometimes come more frequently then the good things, and they're more easy to attain. We like to predict what's attainable, what likely will happen. We like to have somewhere to channel our negative energy and thoughts. It's more comfortable that way. When your down, it's sometimes hard to be optimistic. It can feel like a dream because things are so far in the opposite direction. Optimism is a good thing though, it's an escape, a hope.

I don't want to attribute 'not caring' or more vulgarly, 'not giving a fuck', to pessimism, but it does flow that way. But I guess I can say the same for optimism, too. When you're optimistic, you don't care what other people think sometimes. I guess it's split right down the middle, 50/50. But where does that leave me, I feel like I'm stuck right in the middle. Paralyzed. Not necessarily thinking about the bad or the good, just stuck in the middle. Is there a word for that? Middlistic? Paralystic? Paralystic sounds good. I'm paralystic.

This is my mood, and now I'll need to pull myself out. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and I need to climb up a rope. The struggle. I sound so pathetic, trust me I'm aware. I'm going to go shower now, blast some music. Watch some movies that can cause a good cry. Perhaps Titanic?

Another reason I feel Paralystic - I can't cry. I used to be able to think about things and just have a good cry, and now I can't. Even when I feel so down, tears abandon me. A weird thing.

Have a good Saturday night, bloggies. What are your plans? The only shots I'll be taking tonight are shots of nyquil. Love yous - Jamie.

3 comments:

  1. I hope you feel better, Jamie! It sounds like you might be slowly becoming numb, since you aren't able to have a good cry. You're right - optimism does help a lot - think about all the wonderful things in your life, or any activities that make you happy/smile and get involved with something that makes you happy! Especially when we're in a uni/college setting, it's easier to get involved, have you ever considered joining an unusual club or intriguing class (yoga zumba etc?) sometimes the physical-type activities help a lot with our emotions too. :)

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  2. awww.. feel better soon girl!

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  3. don't feel alone cause I'm sick too and nyquil has become my new best friend

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