So hope. I was thinking a lot about hope today, and it's most likely due to the fact that I have encountered such a pleasent emotion today. And in this sense, hope is not a question. Hope is not a longing, it is not what will lead me into despair. Rather, hope today for me was a rock. It was a solid conclusion, a literal shining light in my day.
I'm trying to figure out what hope feels like for me, what analogy I could share with you. Imagine flowers, a field of flowers. These flowers are in my chest, and it feels like they're blowing in the wind. It's a light breeze, though. It's either sunset or sunrise, that time of day when the sky is almost pink. You can see every color. And the weather is warm, with a little chill in the air at the same time. It's so peaceful. It's what of has yet to come. It's the future. And when this wind inside me blows, I can feel it in my arms, and more importantly in my heart.
To be honest, I don't feel these good emotions all so often. It's usually at random periods throughout the day, and they never last long. I don't especially like to point them out, because when I do, I feel as if they slip away faster. The few and far between emotions - hope, patience, a euphoric yearn. Glimpses of satisfaction for only a second. And then they drift away. So I'll hold onto them all. I'll shut my eyes really tight and try to remember everything about the moment that I've felt these feelings in, and how exactly they made me feel. I remember during the summer I had done this, I was just going to a mall, but I felt uncharacteristcally confidant. I usually am not enthused going places so mundane where I could run into someone I know. But this time, I wanted to see somebody. I wanted to be seen, I felt like I was on top of the world. I held my head higher. There was an obvious comfort in my smile and step. And whenever I'm feeling bad about myself or nervous - I try to channel this day. It was so run-of-the-mill, but that's exactly how confidence should be. It should show in our everyday actions and not only limited to perfomance.
I will grasp my fists so tight - trying to savor every ounce of gratitude out of this hope I'm feeling. I know it won't last forever, no emotion does, except for love. So I am thankful for today that single moment, because then everything was okay that time. Everything was going to be alright, I just need to keep this attitude going.
Hi lovelies. It's almost 4 in the morning, and I wanted to right this down. I wanted to remember, and now so I will. And now it's shared with all of you. I don't know why I'm still awake at this point, I'm just not that tired. I want to watch the sunrise, it's probably so beautiful in December. But I know I won't make it that long. I have to get up in like 4-5 hours to get ready, and then do my cousins hair and makeup for her prom. Yes, your probably wondering why it will take me so long to do it when the prom isn't until 7 at night. But I want it to be perfect, I don't want it to be rushed. There's nothing I dispise more than trying to do something perfect while someone telling me to hurry up. And I love to fool around with make-up, I'm such a girl. Today I wondered what I looked like with no lips, so I applied concealer and foundation to my lips to make them disappear. I looked sickly, or like a cavewoman. I'll have to do it again and take a picture haha.
So goodnight, sweet dreams. <3 Jamie.