RENT!

Anxiety > Depression > Numbness.

That's the cycle of my mind. But it's weird because I think my mind is so used to it, that I just go straight to numb. Literally, just had an anxious thought about my future. Then it went to me being depressed, and now I feel numb. All in a matter of seconds.

Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred thoughts, how do you measure, a crazy person's thoughts?

The mind amazes me. With the mind's eye, and mind's voice. Baffling.

Really, that's it for me today. Check and mark.

Perfect.

Today was, dare I say, a good day.

I wrote "dare I say" because I have this thing, this complex. Is complex even the right word? I have no idea. But anywhore, I feel like I'm going to jinx myself.

If I say something is going good, then I feel like it will turn bad. If I keep thinking things are shitty, things will be good. Maybe it's about having no expectations, that kind of thing.

Or maybe it's that if I say today is going to be a good day, or things are going good, then there is pressure. The pressure to keeps things good or make things good. And for some reason I cannot handle that.

My therapist says I'm a perfectionist. And I'm like, how the fuck can I be a perfectionist when I can't do ANYTHING perfect? I don't get it. When I think of a person who is a perfectionist in school, they usually get A's, not F's.  What am I a perfectionist in? Being imperfect?

Perfect is such a pretty word. So pretty it should be in italics. Perfect. 

If I could be perfect in one thing, it would be to be perfect in all social situations. Knowing what to say and when to say it at all times. Charisma. That's what I want, probably more than anything. Just because I think I lack it.

Well that's all I have to say. Deuces.

Dear Reader,

I wish people still wrote letters to each other. To me, it seems so much more heartfelt. There's just a blank page, and you write out all your feelings and thoughts, what you're doing and where you're going.

In a text, it's so informal. Usually with poor grammar and starting with a "what's up?"

People get mad if you don't respond within a ten minute time frame. For letters, people used to wait days. I am about 100 times more happy when I get something in the mail than when I wake up to a text message.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-text. I think it's good for somethings, like quick checking in with a friend or a parent. Letting someone know you're outside, what time something is going on.

But to argue over a text message is something I will not do. You can't understand the tone anyone says. I would call someone and talk any day, rather then text and ask what's wrong. Phone is a much more intimate experience.

The solution would probably mean for me to get a pen pal. Although, I'm 20, probably way to late lol. Isn't that something your supposed to do when you're like 12? But still it seems like a great experience. I'm going to do some research.

There is a commenter, The Blasphemous Atheist (I think), that always comments on my blog and ends with cheers. I love that :).

So cheers.
Jamie.

A lesson in rational thinking.

I just feel. Gah. I don't know. What do I feel?

I feel judgments. I have this paranoia that everyone is judging and talking about me behind my back.

I work at a restaurant, and I love working there. But whenever someone is like talking and laughing with another person, my mind starts to reel. Is that me they're talking about? Did I mess up or say the wrong thing? Do they secretly hate me?

Irrational. But even though I know it's irrational, it hasn't gone away yet. They (meaning those in the psychological field) say you can diminish a thought once you stop feeding into it or once you start correcting yourself. But I guess it's harder than that. I feel like you have to really BELIEVE it. Okay for example:

Irrational thought: Everyone is talking behind my back and hates me.

Now, to extinguish it's power, this is what you tell yourself:

Fixed thought: People aren't talking about me, I'm a good worker and friend.

However, after I say the fixed thought, this is what my mind retorts back with:

Mind's Back Talk: Are you kidding yourself? You're in denial.

So, thus begins a difficult argument between rational and irrational minds. Although it's not one or the other. There both mixed.

I'm just going to just stick with the fixed thought, and keep telling myself it.

Embrace it.

I just watched the ABC special on Jaycee Lee Dugard.  Amazing. I can't even begin to describe the amount of admiration and respect I have for a woman that has come out so strong out of such a traumatic experience.  She found motivation even in the most horrific conditions.

A baby at FOURTEEN?! In the BACKYARD?! Without her own mother there, only with her captors. How she survived that is inspiring.  She held on to that hope. She held on to the love she had for her new daughter and the hope she had kept for her own mother.

And when I'm having a shitty day, I have to remember to hold on to this hope and love. If nothing else is going right, look for the love you have. Reflect on it. Think of a time someone made you smile, or a time you made someone else smile. Think of that one member of your family makes you feel safe.  Or think of that friend, that one friend who is your 2 a.m., the person you can call and they would listen.

Allow yourself to embrace this, and maybe your mood might become a little brighter.

Wow, what a detour. I think sometimes I literally just talk to myself, try to instill this through typing it. Hey, strange coping method, but I'll take it. A little lighter blog post was in definite dire need. Peace&Love.

Assembly of Anguish

I think a panic attack may be coming on. What a better way than to just write. (Skip the following paragraph, it's assembly of anguish.)

I'm afraid I'm not going to survive this transition into full adulthood.  I'm afraid of people catching me in a lie.  I'm afraid of people thinking I'm awkward.  I'm afraid I don't have good social skills.  I'm afraid of people's judgments.  I'm afraid of leaving people behind, of moving on. Afraid of change and any kind of natural disaster. I'm afraid of running my life into the ground. I'm afraid that I'm doing that now.

And I feel like I cannot be honest with anyone, because I don't want anyone to even know this insecure side of me. I want everyone to think that I have at least some of my life together.

Early I was tired of being depressed, now I'm tired of fighting.
But everyday I'll wake up and fight again.
It's either that or die.
And dying isn't an option for me.

You can either live or you can die.

I'm just so damn sick of being anxious and scared. I'M SO SICK OF HAVING LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

I'm so sick of it all. So damn tired of it. I'm just I'm not going to deal with this today. It's live or die, that's how I see life now.

You can either live or you can die.  This life right now that I'm in, these attitudes and emotions are all death. This lifestyle will break me eventually. I can either let it break me, or I can fucking fight.

Today I'm going to fight. Can't control other people, you can only control yourself.

Sometimes an I don't care attitude is easier than an I do care attitude.

What is Love?

This is trickier than I thought. Item number 2? Something you love about yourself. I challenge everyone to do this, it's hard. But it's weird, ask someone what they don't like about themselves, and they can probably count off item after item. This seems very, very wrong to me.  But, it's human I suppose.

I already feel self-conscious.  I feel like I've conditioned myself so strongly to NOT talk about myself, because I've become so strongly turned off by people that do nothing but brag.  It's part of my cognitive distortion I think - only seeing black and white.  There is a gray area in between, and that's where the happy medium should lie.

Back to the task at hand, however.  Okay, what do I love about myself?

I love how I can, at some moments, just go up and talk to people I've never met. If there's someone next to me in line, I can usually strike up a conversation with them with ease.  The confrontation always goes successful, partly because I know I'll never see the person again ever. I love the people you meet, how just one little moment shared can spur different meanings and feelings.  Knowing that I put a smile on people's faces makes my day. I also love how I can give people compliments, say how nice there hair is or how I love how positive they are. That truly can turn a person's day around, I urge you all to try it.

Phew. Okay that was a little difficult getting out. I don't know why I have such a hard time with that kind of stuff, but I do. Is anyone else self-conscious like that? Do share.

Love you bloggies. <3

Inwards vs Outwards

Everyday for thirty days, a different topic. You all know what it's about, most likely. I need to write more though. Too much in my head, only the razor stops by to take off some of the emotional load. Oops.

This is very candid. I'm writing just for the sake of writing. Anyway. What do I hate about myself?

Well, lots of things. I could list them all, but then I'd probably want to crawl under my bed and never come out again. So to spare my sanity, I'll share with you 'the big one'. Which is, caring too much about what people thing. It's an evil vice.  Anyone I ever come in contact with, I automatically try to make them like me.  It could be a classmate, grandparents, even the mailman.  If I'm interacting with that person, there judgment means everything to me. And I hate it. I don't even know what I would be without always constantly thinking and analyzing the actions of others towards myself.  It's an oxymoron, really.  I'm so self-centered trying to make other people like me.  Inwards vs outwards. A war no one wins, I would know.  It's exhausting, but I can't stop it. I don't know how. My psych tells me to 'let thoughts be thoughts' well if I could fucking do that I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in.

Constantly thinking about what other people are thinking prevents me from living in the moment.  I'm never fully there in a conversation. I'm half there. My mind is always somewhere else, swimming around in the mind of the other person, just fishing for faults.  I crave acceptance. It's sick really.

So that's it. I hate you, need for acceptance. I hate you. What I would give to live in every moment. That sounds like a dream. And now I'm going to hopefully go and dream, this only occurring if I could fall asleep. I always picture myself running to help me fall asleep. Ironic. That's what I want to do so badly, just run away. I think I might. New York is only 2 hours from me. Sounds like a plan. What do you think?

Words are just as strong as actions.

2:20 a.m., and I need to wake up in 4 hours. Lovely. Right on track. Looks like I'll be crashing for the afternoon.

You know what I don't understand? Why ciggies taste so good, but smoke smells so bad. I feel like I need to wash my hair like 5 times before I get the smell out of it.  Prime example why I ONLY smoke when I'm stressed.  It's not so much the lung stuff, it's just the way you feel. Like smoking is relaxing and does take the edge off, but I just feel so shitty afterward.  Your mouth tastes like dirt, and your finger tips smell like burnt rubber. Really, really not appeasing.

It's my bad habit. One of many.

My mind is talented, however. It should be an Olympic gymnast.  It tumbles effortlessly, and can flip over and over and over again without letting up. Give it a beam, and my mind will do a whole routine, complete unexpected twists and turns.

What my mind excels in, my body has to suffer the consequences.  It bears the constant pressure of the wearing down of one single thought, and all the circles my mind runs around. 

Alright, I'm tired of talking in metaphors. You get the point, I'm sure. You're all intelligent individuals, whom I have immediate respect for because you blog as well. I love people that blog. I immediately group us into people that are more deep thinkers. We analyze and have more perception.  We are the kind of people that are cued to share and speak our minds, even if it is just through our computer. In our case, words are just as strong as actions. I love it. Or we do what we love, to all those who have the fashion and cooking and celebrity blogs.

Where was I? Okay yes, a good habit. In my ever-trying quest to be an optimistic individual, I'm now going to name a good habit.  I have to say, I pride myself in my healthy eating.  I always eat fruits and vegetables throughout the day, and never really snack anymore on chips or things like that. Soda is almost non-existent in my life, and I really only drink juice or water. I do it because it makes me feel good.

One thing in my life that I need to make a habit? Loving myself more. Need to love me, who I am.

What are your habits, bloggies? Good and bad. Do share. I love you all. Jamie <3

The Dog Days

Write, write, write, write. I ignore this thing sometimes because it pisses me off. It forces me to write my emotions down, and most of the time, I just don't feel like it. Cause then I'll have to rationalize, and then I'll have to think that 'things aren't so bad' when they feel bad. And then that's me being selfish. Looks like I'll just have to face the facts, though. No more running away.

I just feel dumb, and embarrassed. Like things are going nowhere. I feel like I just can't find myself. I don't know what I want or where I'm supposed to be. And I know that it's normal to feel like this, but it's a constant wearing thought. It eats me alive. I'll I want to do is pop some sleeping  pills, and call it a night.

And that's what some days have been like. In the middle of the afternoon, I'll take some tylenol pm, benadryl, whatever, and just climb into bed until I have to wake up and do my homework. I blame some on the Lexapro, it gives me mad mood swings. Like the other morning, I felt like I was so excited. About what, I have no idea. I was sitting in class, practically bouncing in my seat. It was a high that lasted for half the day. And that made me happy, I felt real again. But after it went away, it hasn't been back, and I've been back in the lows.

But I feel like sometimes I use the anxiety/depression as a crutch sometimes. Like a small part of me doesn't want them to go away. Because if they do, I'll have to be successful. I'll have no reason why I'm not succeeding in everything I do. I can't handle the failure, or what people would fathom to think. And even if they have no clue about this ordeal (because I don't tell anyone other than like 2 of my friends) at least I know. I can look at them and know the truth.

I'm paranoid like that, though. Always thinking that people are thinking negative things about me. It's a terrible habit. Enough craziness for one post, though. I'm driving my mind in circles haha. I need to pull myself back out of my mind so I can laugh at the absurdity. Always be able to laugh at yourself.

I freaking love E! tv. It's all I watch anymore haha. Chelsea Handler just cracks me up. She brightened up my day today. How is all the other bloggies out there?

I'm doing Reginald today

'The Boyfriend List' is one of my all-time favorite books.  It's about a girl who experiences panic attacks due to the 'debacle' of the past couple of months in which her boyfriend dumped her and got with her best friend, all her friends dumped her, and she became known as a famous slut even though she is still a virgin. It's definitely on the lighter side, and so hilarious. It puts a humorous spin on all kinds of ugly, and definitely relate-able.

The main character ends up going to therapy, and she calls her depressive days and therapy processes 'Reginald'.  So that's what I'm going to call it, too. Today, I'm doing Reginald. But I didn't write to try and convince you to read a book. I came because I have some claims to share with you.

So, I don't know about all of you, but I am a huge worrier (GAD) and even though I HATE IT, I care so much about what people think. Too much. And I know, I know, I shouldn't care. I'm aware of this. And people will constantly tell you to be yourself and to not care, and while they're saying all of this, they are leaving out one very important detail.Just how to do it.

Believe me, if I knew how to stop worrying about the thoughts of others, I would have done so long ago. I just don't know how. If any of you are lucky enough to be like this, how do you do it? Please haha share, how do you just go out and be yourself. I admire people like you, I just don't know how to put myself out there.

I just, blah blah blah. I don't know. This is the frustrating part, coming to terms with what I'm afraid of, then confronting the issue. Okay, I accept I worry about what people think. But now what do I do to change it. My therapist didn't get to that part when I asked him, he was busy asking me, "Now what is the worst thing that someone could think about you?" And going around in that circle-y thing therapists do. So I need you're help ladies and gentlemen. How do you guys do it lol I'm open to any tips.

This was an up and down post, symbolic of my up and down Tuesday. I love you guys <3 Jamie.

It's a quarter after 3, I'm all alone..

I don't understand how genetics works. Like, why some genes are inherited and others aren't. How you and your brother and your sister can be so different. Or so alike. How, why.

I'm a religious person, so really, to me the only answer is that God decides. It's comforting, that thought. Because he made you the way He wanted. So, you can never be wrong, in that kind of sense. And I guess I'll never get the answer to the 'Why'. Why are people the way they are. Who knows.

This is what has been keeping me awake. It's 3 a.m. I'd told myself that I'd go to bed at like 1, and here I am, 2 hours later. You know what I could've done in those 2 hours? My like 20 page lab due on Tuesday, but no, I sat here. I'm not feeling the motivation. And although I'll be freaking out later, right now I just don't care.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I guess I just have to trust in God for those kind of questionings.

So what did I do with my Sunday? I went to church, took some tylenol pm, then crashed for about 6 hours. What did you do with yours?

Where Do You Wander?

I would like to introduce you all to one of my best friends, Denial.  Denial comes around whenever things become to overwhelming, and he takes it away.  It's almost like my problems never even existed when Denial comforts me. Upset about something? Denial says a few sweet nothings in my ear, and suddenly I'm restored.

Enter my other pal, Running Away. Running picks up where Denial has left off. Running makes sure I never go back to being troubled. She carries me far away from the source, and leaves me there. It's like a rush, Running can take me places where I'm so far gone, things almost become normal again.

Running and Denial often make me nervous, but there always around when I'm at my lowest points. So how can they be wrong if they relieve all the pressure?

Oh, and I should probably mention Reality. Reality pisses me off most of the time. It's always hitting me upside the head, asking me why I hang out with Denial and Running. Reality rips me out of the comfort zone, and pushes me back into the very problems my other friends take away.

But in the end of things, Reality is what I know I have to hold on to. The friend that I want to be my maid of honor at my wedding. The one I look to while making decisions.  Denial can take me a few yards, Running can carry me for weeks, but Reality is the very ground I walk on. If Reality is the sky, then Running is the plane that takes me through it. Denial are the clouds that cover it up, making it hard to see.

Because planes can crash, and clouds come and go. The sky is a constant.

One Step at a Time

Because sitting here in my room, at this moment, 11:12 pm, I don't feel so bad. Only for a split second though, and then the fogginess comes back. I can pretend for one second that I'm not overwhelmed with thoughts of the future or even my stagnant present life. That's what anxiety is, it's racing thoughts, a constant circle. Like one of those nascar races. The location is my chest, and it swirls and swirls and swirls. In my head, the weather is cloudy.

This is probably one of my biggest fears right now, going crazy. Anxiety is big this time of year for me, although I have no idea why. Maybe the short days, cold weather, I don't know. But what I do know is that sometimes I feel like I'm just walking on the thinnest ice. Or standing on the edge. Ready to fall. It's scary.

I went back to therapy today. It took awhile for me to build up the courage. But I know I need to be there, and it felt so good. However, it brings a whole lot of other worries I'm not ready to worry about. Sometimes being depressed is a good escape from the anxiety. It's more relaxed at least. It's a nice breath, although we know we can't stay depressed forever.

So many fears, so many worries. To afraid. Paralyzed again. He tells me I have anxiety/depressive disorder. I knew that. He wants me to think about medication, but I just don't know. I don't want to get hooked. I don't want to have to rely on them, I've heard to many horror stories. But then again a pill just being able to take off the edge would do me so good. I think I might try.

So yeah, that was my Wednesday? How was yours? I love you bloggies, though. Even if it's just one person reading, your my outlet. Thank you so much, I need somewhere were I can be completely honest, and no one calls me crazy. Thanks haha. <3

Anchors Away.

Whenever I'm stressed, or I need to think about a decision, I have to go to a wide, open space.  I can't think in my room or talk it out with someone.  I like to drive as high up as I can.  As far up on top of the mountains here in Pennsylvania as the roads can permit. I find something so calming, so inspiring about it. I feel as if everything's at peace, even for just a moment. What do you do when you need time to think?

I wanted to write, I've been feeling rather paralyzed lately. Whenever there is something unpleasant that crosses my mind, my whole body freezes up. I can't get through my own wall.  And usually, I'd welcome this, but I can't block out everything. We all know what happens when we do that. 

So enough of trying to be stressed out, let's talk about lighter subjects. I think I really want to get a hip dermal (piercing of your skin by the hips). Did anyone ever get that done? I've been looking up pictures of it, and I know someone at school who got it done. It looks hot. I've been itching to get another piercing, but I don't really want them anywhere that they can be seen like on my head. So no more ears, and I'm not the type to have anything on the face. So hip seems pretty stealth right now. Thoughts?

Also I've become obsessed with skins on mtv. Everyone I know, however, says that it either sucks or is too racy. Too racy? Are you kidding me? You can access anything you want on the internet, and really it's just people using tongue. No nudity, of course sex is implied, but when isn't it? It's unlike any show I've ever seen, and it's refreshing. How pissed are you when Gossip Girl is on and they only show the first quarter of a scene, and the rest they just talk about. Skins gives you that extra other scenes that you don't get to see anywhere else. No inhibitions. Love it. Thoughts?

Loves, I'll talk to yous tomorrow. I haven't written in almost a week, and again I was just stressed out. I'm weird, when I'm stressed, I get pissed. So this pissed me off, too. I piss me off lol is more like it. <3 Sweet dreams.

Balls to the Freaking Wall

But really, have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? How about even just your arms? Maybe you've thrown them up in frustration when in a heated argument, or perhaps around a person when giving them one of those longing hugs? What about just throwing your arms up for you? For the sake of freedom?

It's an exhilarating feeling. Gathering all your energy tucked inside your chest and those little limbs, and then feeling it squeeze all together. Then, you just let loose - throw your arms up as high as you can. Up, down, across. Let something go, bring something in. It can be anything you want it to be. I guarantee you'll feel better. Do it just for the sake of being alive. Everything will rush into and out of you. 

Today for me has been about letting go, just throwing it all out the window. I was nervous today about going to my first yoga class (I'm GAD, psht don't judge ;) ), then about sitting next to the boy I've been hooked on in class, and then about talking to my dad. They might not seem stressful to you, but these little daily activities all spike my nerves. Today, however, I just said Jamie - Balls to the freaking wall.  And just went on with it. Went on confident instead of being worried. Just letting it all go. It's easier at sometimes then others, and today was one of those days. Who knew ditching the self-pity could be so freeing? 

I think that's my new favorite phrase - Balls to the wall. Has power behind it, and a drive. It's almost as good as 'I got this!' Have you done anything today that was brave of you? Have you had to say, balls to the wall for yourself :)?

And tomorrow I'm going to go in with the same attitude, let's hope lol. Love you sweets <3

 

Pillow Talking

 

 Before I go to bed. That's the time for me. The time when I feel the most insecure. During the day, when I'm around people, it's easier to keep up a better attitude. At night, however, for me I feel like I'm just left with myself. That's when those little thoughts begin to trickle in my mind, 'What are you doing with your life?' 'You're not good enough.' 'Not strong enough.' 

And I used to think those thoughts were true. I still have those moments when I do. Sitting here, upright and mind in sight, I know that they are all the wrong kinds of falsities. Deceptions and doubts thrown in by the scared little girl that's somewhere inside me. But just because I have these doubts, as I'm sure all of you do, doesn't mean that's who I am. Too often of times, I fall into the self-pity. It's so tempting, my mind eases right into it, like a bad habit. 

We can be our toughest critics. Harshly, we throw in our thoughts about our actions and words we have spoken through the day. I will go so far as to even say most of us have a distorted picture of ourselves. We paint a rough picture, one that's cracked. It's not the true us. We are beautiful. We don't have to listen to that doubtful, inner voice. "You are given this life because you are strong enough to live it." That's proof right there. You are here for a reason.

Join me tonight as I'm going to try and bring out the confident person inside me. Instead of over-analyzing and being way to critical, I'm going to tell myself 3 things: I'm beautiful, I'm strong, and (of course) I got this. Because I do, we all do. It's in us.

I needed to talk myself into some encouragement. This snow day I had here in PA has restricted me to being mostly indoors and in one place, I much more like freedom to go as I please without all the icy conditions. I've been left with my thoughts a lot, so here's to pushing them aside! Woot! And tomorrow morning I get to ease into the day with some yoga class, I'm pretty excited. 

Tell me loves, what do you think about before you go to sleep?

xoxo Jamie

Paging Dr. Drake

The worst thing a person can try to do is self-diagnose themselves.  Google has become the enemy in that way. You have a cold, a suddenly you think you have meningitis. Your leg feels a little tingly, and suddenly you have a blood clot. Or you have been feeling down in the dumps lately, but this morning you've been feeling alright, Google tells you that you have bipolar disorder.

Google really isn't to blame. It's our paranoid self. We look for something that ceases our worries. We want to believe what we find is true. Am I the only one that does that? The only one that tries to self-diagnose through search engines and medical websites? I take one small symptom, like a scratchy throat, and turn it into full blown gonorrhea.  And if I've gotten gonorrhea, who's to say that I haven't contracted AIDS? An hour later and I'm wondering if anyone will give a eulogy at my funeral. Thoughts are like children running with pinwheels. They are bursting with energy themselves, but then there's even the more inner workings. Conjuring up more misfortunes and doubt. I'll figure this out someday when I'm a psychologist.

But back to my point, and I made this point in my last point. We like to channel our emotions somewhere. It's uncomfortable for us to just leave lingering worries and frustrations out in the open, we feel the need to pinpoint them somewhere. This is probably not everyone though, some people are complacent enough to say 'Ah, well, who cares, I'll figure this out eventually.' If your like me, we are paranoid. It's weird, I'm laid back and paranoid. Calm and crazy haha.


Do you guys ever do this? It's a downfall of mine, I'm always trying to figure out what's wrong. I feel like I'm being a downer, we need some positive posts right? This is for encouragement for anxiety, so guys, we got this. Even when things are down, we got this. Success in numbers, we're not alone, you're not alone. Such a banality, but I can't deny the empowerment behind it. Words are just that - words. But sometimes the sounding and putting together creates such an emotion. It's like how some people command their dogs using the German language - because it's more forceful. That's how some phrases are. 'We Got This' is one of my favorites, or when I'm alone 'I got this.' It's confidence.

Have a good Monday, were supposed to get a lot of ice and freezing rain here, so HOPEFULLY classes are canceled. I'm still in the process of figuring out my schedule lol, a trial that will never end I feel. Talk to you's tomorrow :) xoxo Jamie.

Shatter A Glass Vase.

Sick, blah, blah, blahhh. I probably cough on every other word I'm writing. I feel like my head is a balloon. And I'm coming up with some insane word vomit. It's one of those days where I want everyone just to shut up. Everyone that's texting or talking, I just want to be like shut up, no one cares. I'm angry and panicky today. An odd combination of the bunch. A frustrated rage filled panic lady on the loose. I would very much like to go kick-boxing or break like a glass vase, something along those lines. Except my energy is to drained to do so.

It's weird, sometimes I think I'm the most insane inept person on the planet, and then on days like today I feel like I'm the only one with a head. Optimism has escaped me for a little while. There's something strange about being pessimistic I've realized, it makes you feel more real, in the moment. I think because when you're being pessimistic, it's because you truly feel like shit at the moment. Bad things can sometimes come more frequently then the good things, and they're more easy to attain. We like to predict what's attainable, what likely will happen. We like to have somewhere to channel our negative energy and thoughts. It's more comfortable that way. When your down, it's sometimes hard to be optimistic. It can feel like a dream because things are so far in the opposite direction. Optimism is a good thing though, it's an escape, a hope.

I don't want to attribute 'not caring' or more vulgarly, 'not giving a fuck', to pessimism, but it does flow that way. But I guess I can say the same for optimism, too. When you're optimistic, you don't care what other people think sometimes. I guess it's split right down the middle, 50/50. But where does that leave me, I feel like I'm stuck right in the middle. Paralyzed. Not necessarily thinking about the bad or the good, just stuck in the middle. Is there a word for that? Middlistic? Paralystic? Paralystic sounds good. I'm paralystic.

This is my mood, and now I'll need to pull myself out. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and I need to climb up a rope. The struggle. I sound so pathetic, trust me I'm aware. I'm going to go shower now, blast some music. Watch some movies that can cause a good cry. Perhaps Titanic?

Another reason I feel Paralystic - I can't cry. I used to be able to think about things and just have a good cry, and now I can't. Even when I feel so down, tears abandon me. A weird thing.

Have a good Saturday night, bloggies. What are your plans? The only shots I'll be taking tonight are shots of nyquil. Love yous - Jamie.

I Can't Describe I've Got, Hungry Eyes.

Flirting eyes, but they're just a disguise. For me they roam, but you've got someone at home.

Men. Why do they have to be such, ugh, MEN?!

Let me explain. So, earlier this week in class, I came across a familiar face. Last year, we both had positive psychology together, but we never talked. But on Monday, right after class, he gave me his number and we started talking. First, let me tell you, he is so sexy. Medium height, muscular, but not too muscular. Great hair, beautiful face, and he's in a freaking band. A band! How could I resist, right? Oh wait, it get's better, he sings and plays guitar. And he seems really down to earth.

As I was saying, we started talking. He asked me pretty much what my favorite everything was, and it was kind of like a 20 questions thing we had going on. In between we'd exchange flirty messages and him telling me he wants to hang out and such. So we're at the point where he was like, "you'll have to teach me the little you know on the piano" and I responded with, "only if you teach me to play the guitar" and he came back with "oh, i'll teach you things ;)"

So what do you make of that? Obviously some sexual innuendos flowing right there. I told him, "Oh really, I'd like that. But behave yourself, rockstar :)" So we continue bantering, and then sometime later he asks if I had a boyfriend. I said no, that I'm single, and how about him. He goes, yeah, I have a girlfriend, we're on and off all the time. I asked some questions about her, and he answered. But then he goes right back to the playful banter. I kind of was more less playful after that, wouldn't you be?

Don't you think it's kind of weird that he kind of just ignored the whole girlfriend thing? Like it's completely normal to be flirting with a girl while you have someone else?

He's hot, but I'd never want to be the 'off-time' fling. I never want to be 'that girl'. Maybe I'm rushing things, but I wasn't just getting a 'pal' vibe. But seriously, come on. I wouldn't want my boyfriend to be going around talking and asking to hang out with other girls. It just came as a little surprise. Boys are dicks, but not all. So I was already prepared, but hopeful.

And it's only been 3 days, and I have to spend the whole semester with him now. I'd rather just limit it to friends now. No flirting, just pals. But he is so sexy, but I can hold myself back lol.

But bloggies, what do you think of this whole situation? Think he's just looking for a fling on the side? And tell me, Has a boy with a girlfriend ever come on to you? What did you do?

If so, the foundation of the 'fantasy relationship' you will embark on will be definitely rocky. Guess what, though. I'm going for sushi in about 16 hours! Woohoo! I love it lol, and so healthy. Sticking to the healthy food these days, ya know.

Hope you had a lovely hump day, my dears. I'll talk with yous tomorrow <3

Oh, You're Making Me Blush!

In my one psychology class today, we had to do a brief introduction of ourselves - hometown, what we did over the break, and something interesting about ourselves.  And as I told my interesting thing about myself, I blushed.  I don't usually blush often, but today I literally felt it on my face. It felt hot, and it wasn't that because I was embarassed (I don't think) it was because I made others laugh, and it made me feel modest. Only a theory though, thus begins my research on blushing!

By the way, the interesting thing I told everyone was that I long to be a foot model (not those sexual fetish ones, ew, but like for sandals, lotion, etc) or a hand model.  I even began to research agencies, and took some pictures. It seems like a great back-up plan if psychology doesn't work out, and they do bring in the money haha. However, most agencies want long fingers and feet. And me, a whopping 5 foot young lady, only has a size 5 foot and a size 4 ring. But I'm not discouraged yet, I have nice feet, I'd like to think lol.

But onto the blushing! As you probably know already from experience, you can't control blushing. If we could, then it probably wouldn't exist. If you've ever read the Twilight series, you would know that the character Bella always blushing, but her sexii vampire, Edward, thinks it's attractive. I agree with Edward, it's a cute little gesture. But it gives you away sometimes, like if your telling a lie. But blushing is a whole lot more than just the blood rushing to your cheeks, it's a social cue.

It has been shown that in a situation when a person blushes, it turns the whole situation around.  People tend to pick up on the person's blushing, and become more empathetic and calmer in response.  It sends out the message that the bashful person cares about what's going on in a situation, and people subconsciously respect that.  Let me throw out a situation: Sally accidentially broke Jill's curling iron. As Sally was telling Jill about the incident, she blushed. This registers in Jills mind, and Jill could see that Sally truly cared about injuring her things.  It's a physiological notion of caring. Judgement changes, it shows you care about the interaction and about the other person. A blush without any words says a million.

"When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of her beauty" - St. Gregory the Great. 

I agree with that quote, it is charming. And I'm not quite sure who St. Gregory the Great was, but he was a saint and was 'Great', so we'll take his word for it. And if your sometimes socially anxious, I can relate in saying that blushing isn't always comfortable. But let's change all that. Blushing is beautiful. Why do you think us women apply blush to our cheeks? It's just one less job to do! So if you're the kind of person that reddens at the cheeks, you are wonderful! Blush on! Don't hide your face, let it glow!

So bloggies, what makes you blush?

Now I'm heading over to my guy friends to watch the national championship of something. Not too sure who's playing and whatnot, I've never been into football much. Unless it's Penn State. I will talk to yous tomorrow :) Happy Monday!

Being is Belonging

Snow, snow, snow. I truly love you, but you ruin my Saturday nights, well, half of it.  I can't visit my friend because the roads are icy and covered, so that's out. BUT REDEMPTION! Now I'm going to my guy friends to party with a bunch of people, which should be fun. This kid I always hook up with is going to be there. It's weird, though. It's like were just not meant to be together.

We were never single at the same time, and then when we were, my other friend liked him and cried for days when I had hooked up with him at a party. In my defense, I was really drunk. But yeah, actually that's not much of a defense. So I don't know what's going to happen tonight, I'm optimistic. I feel like I belong with this crew of people, that they care.

I have been thinking so much today about what belonging means.  I think it's where e you're accepted, people like you for you. They care about what you're doing, and they want to include you in their plans. Just hearing that makes me feel better, you know me, I over-analyze EVERYTHING. But tonight I feel like I won't have to. That's what I feel like a group of friends should be about, just being able to be comfortable.

It's everywhere else where I don't feel like I belong. I feel like I could if I could just get this damn guard down, it won't let up. I won't let up, I should say. I don't know what I'm afraid of.

Have you ever just been one on one with someone, having a good time, and then suddenly you become aware of yourself? You become aware of the situation, and suddenly you feel out of place. That happens to me a lot. I'll be laughing with one of my friends, then I'll just clam up. It's so weird. That's what I need to work on - never being aware. Because if you think about it, the times where your having the most fun, you're never analyzing yourself of thinking about your flaws. You just are. Being. Being and belonging. For some reason though, I always pull back, I begin to think what the other person is thinking. I'm trying to work on it, but it's so hard to not be aware when you are aware that you should not be aware. You know what I mean?

One of my favorite quotes is, "The day you start worrying about what people think is the day you stop living." It's 100% true. The new journey I'm taking on is to stop thinking, learning to completely be me and live in the moment.

So tell me bloggies, "Where do you belong?"

Sometimes I feel like I belong in the mental ward lol. But thanks to the last post, no more self-pity and loathing. So I belong here, in life, with everyone else. The anxiety is the tag-a-long, that of which can be overcome.

That was my self-encouragement segment haha. I will talk to you tomorrow, have a super sexii slamming smashing Saturday nyght. Love yous - xo Jay-Mee. 

From Broadway to Psychology to Waitressing

Remember how I was telling you all how I am a complete starstruck person when it comes to famous people? Well, listen to this one, it's another embarrassing account of me coming in contact with a celebrity haha. I was at the NBC studios yesterday, and who is there doing an interview but Kathie Lee Gifford! From Regis and Kathie Lee!! (that deserves a double exclamation point) So I had my camera out, hoping to get a picture. But then the rest happened so fast. She walked by me, and I completely froze. I mumbled 'Oh my gosh' and I just touched her jacket. Very lightly, she didn't even notice and she continued saying hi to everyone and smiling as she walked to wherever she was going.  At least I know I wasn't the only crazy person there, there was this one girl who had a sign and was screaming. So another encounter to write in the books lol, I really need to work on it.

Irrelevantly, I've been thinking about who I want to become. Or, where do I want to end up in life.  This question probably takes up the subconscious thinking of my brain 95% of the day. That's how it feels, anyway. I feel like I'm constantly thinking.  I tried talking about this with my dad the other day, and he was all like 'Jamie, I can relate. I'm not sure whether I want to switch pharmaceutical companies or not'. And while that's stressful, no doubt, it is not relate-able.  I wanted to shout back, 'At least you know what your doing with your life! At least you know that you are in sales and that's where you want to be.  At least you know who you are.'  I'm not saying he doesn't have hard times, too, but it just made me mad. I don't even know what I'm doing 6 months or where I'll even be after this summer. I was annoyed.

Some days I want to live in the city and wish I could be a Broadway star.  Then, it changes to me being a successful psychologist with a published book. Other days, I'm a make-up artist in a salon, doing fancy eyes with glitter. Then, I'm a nurse, always comforting. Flash again to a stay-at-home mom, with 3 children playing in our home out in the country side. The next day, that same picture perfect family but living in the hustle and bustle of a big town, and then back to a small one. Another hour and then I yearn to be a waitress with a group of tight girlfriends, going home to a husband trying to pay the bills paycheck-to-paycheck. It always changes.

And that's just a long term future, what I envision in ten years. I could write a book on what I can see myself or wish I can do until the next semester. And although I know the thought shouldn't worry me, I'm supposed to not know yet, it does. It stresses me out so much, and I can't help yearning to know what I want to truly do.  Again, it's my never ending quest. And yes, I know I'm being silly. I believe I have this outside ability to be able to look at myself and say 'Jamie, your being ridiculous sometimes.' But that just doesn't seem to change the way I feel. Tell me, bloggies, What do you see yourself being?

So now my thing is going to stop feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity is a terrible crutch that I have. Self-pity and self-loathing.  I'm not the most encouraging of myself. But now I want to try and change that. It's time to learn to be not only positive about the future, but myself included. I don't know why but this makes me anxious, just throwing that out there lol, I can feel it in my chest.

Irrelevantly again, it's snowing here, and that's why I home early from my friend's house.  Of course, we had to watch Jersey Shore.  So much drama just in the first episode, but I loved it haha. But there's one thing I don't get.  Everyone builds up the 'C-word', or cunt, to be such a big deal.  Like why is there so much power behind that one word? Deena called Sami it, and I was like so what? No one cared when people were throwing around 'hateful slut' or 'trashy bitch'.  Granted it's still not a nice thing to say, but where is the power coming from? What's so different from 'cunt' from 'vagina' or 'pussy'? (Excuse my words lol) What makes that so offensive compared to other vulgar terms, you know?

The Situation did crack me up tonight, like seriously how could you not like the guy haha. But now I'm going to wait and see if some sort of 'real housewives' is coming on next on Bravo, great shows. Goodnight loves, hope your day was lovely. Talk to you tomorrow <3 xoxo Jamie.

Empire State of Jamie

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do, now you're in New York <3 Well, I'm not there yet, but I will be by say 3 this afternoon.  I haven't been in the city in a couple of years, and when my Dad said that he has a meeting there, I jumped at the chance to go. I hope the tree and all is still up, I've always wanted to see it around the holiday.

And so I'm nervous, too.  Being in big places always does that to me.  But I have to push through this, I'm thinking of this as a step in the new year. We only decided to go after arguing about me going to Philadelphia tonight with my girl friends, we were going to stay and my friend's boyfriends house.  It was short notice though, I only found out this morning and we were going to leave in an hour. But then New York came along and I couldn't pass that up.

When I was talking to my Dad though, he just goes "You're out there, you know that?" I replied to him, "You think I don't know that?" It kind of was a slap in the face coming from him, but it is true, I have been 'out there' lately. He's referring to yesterday when I drove a half hour away to take picture of these giant windmills. They were beautiful, though. It's a little strange, I agree, but that's me. And look at the amazing photo I got:

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Even for that one photo out of a million I took, it was worth it. I love it.

And lately I've just been trying to decide who I really am. Am I the girl that was raised in a small town where the guys were jocks and the girls were cheerleaders? Or am I something more, more artsy, more deep. It's so confusing, discovering yourself when you've only been around one type of people your whole life. Even my college is small, and just more of the run of the mill people with the same stereotypes that I came from. It must be a Pennsylvania thing. My trip to New York hopefully puts me in a different mindset.

So I better shower since I'm leaving in less than an hour, talk to you tomorrow bloggies<3 xoxo Jamie.

I'm not paralyzed, but I seem to be struck by you.

A big weight off my shoulders last night after I posted. So much of a relief, I couldn't even fall asleep until almost the sun was up because it just had my mind reeling. I finally figured out what's been holding me back, what has held me in a stand-still. It's the fear of rejection.

I've been reading the book "Feel the Fear... And Do It Anyway" (which by the way is excellent so far) and it has really brought some of my truer feelings to light.  It explained fears and how they affect us. Rejection was spot on for me. Of course, everyone has some sort of fear of rejection.  But I feel mine has grasped a hold of my life.  I realized now that I close myself off, shut other people out, and ultimately paralyze my feelings because I'm afraid that people won't accept me or talk about me behind my back or think unflattering thoughts about me.

I feel like there's two people inside of me. Like one Jamie is the shut off person who comes off as being socially awkward and reserved, and then there's the Jamie who's like yelling at the other one saying "What's wrong with you? Be yourself!" I literally FEEL the guard up when I'm meeting new people for the first time.  And I don't know exactly how to let it down. I don't know how to STOP thinking and stop fearing that people won't accept me. But it's weird, even people who have already accepted me and some who are my best friends I can throw a guard up around. So something tells me that it has developed on it's own, well, developed more outwardly.

Like last night I was with my best friend who I've been friends with since kindergarten. And everything was going so fun until I started to become aware of myself. Instantly, self-doubt flooded me.  My feelings were paralyzed, I felt even literally stiff. And for what reason? I don't know. It makes my chest feel hard. It makes me not who I truly am.

Although I have accepted that anxiety and fear is apart of who I am, it makes me me.  And I am thankful for it, it drives me. It has made me make decisions and thrown me into a major I wouldn't have thought of. But when it comes to starting to change how I act and when it makes me limit myself, that's when I know things have to change. Something isn't right.

So I'll continue my quest for now the solution or way of dealing with this fear of rejection. Have you ever felt fear of being rejected? How did you handle it?  

A more deeper post today. I've been feeling rather deep and emotionally in touch more lately. Most likely due to all this talk about reinvention with the New Year. It puts a perspective on things. I don't measure a year January-December though, I usually measure it in terms of school years. Does anyone else do that? Like when I think of July, I'm not like, 'Oh, last year' but when I think of May I do. So according to that calendar, my new year should be in August haha. Maybe I'll celebrate both. Hey, getting through 6 months in college is something to celebrate in my book, at least :)


I'll talk to you tomorrow, lovies. Sweet January dreams, xoxo Jamie.

Dive into YES!

2011. New year, new me.  I love it, a fresh start. A clean chapter. And I'm sure all of you have considered the same thing. I can say I'm so thankful, it truly does seem like anything is possible in the next year. It's like an open book, and we get to write the story.

Of course, this triggers some anxious feelings for me. I'm always struck with the questions 'What if I make the wrong decision?' or 'What if things don't go as I want them too?' or 'What if I don't do enough, what if I let myself down?' Now that I have written all of my fears, I'm now going to say, who the heck cares? Like I said before, it's time to live and make mistakes. To laugh and to cry. But I have finally realized somethings been holding me back, whether it be fears or just utter laziness. So I'm going to introduce to you..


The Year of Yes.  'Yes' moves people forward. 'Yes' changes things and starts life.

Too often in the past year I have caught myself saying 'No, I don't feel like it' or 'No, I don't want to.' But this year, I want all of that to change. No more sitting around, 'Yes', it's time to take action. 'No' keeps you at a standpoint, it freezes you in time. It causes indecisiveness and holds you back. No matter what, 'Yes' changes you. It says 'we are moving ahead.' And that's exactly what I need in my life, more of YES.  It's time to let go of inhibitions and run free. Run into yes. Yes is positive. And Yes, I can. It's about doing things that I and you want, and about doing things we don't feel like doing because we're afraid or simply are lazy. This year, it's going to change.

I came across this quote on another person's blog (I'm sorry, I can't find who's it was again :( But if it came from you, please tell me and I'll credit you in the next blog!) and it has completely changed my view on the next year. How lucky was I to come across it. It means so much.

"Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'."

So who's with me? Who want's to dive into 'Yes'? Again, I'm nervous as anything, but I'm ready. Keeping the faith of God and myself, and I'm ready. Embracing the fear and turning into action! Let's do this :)

Another one of my goals is just to make everyday count. It's so cliche, but it's true. I want to feel like I put myself into each day. I can do this. We can do this.

I love you, bloggies. What does this year mean to you? I'd love to hear your thoughts and theories! I will talk to you all tomorrow <3 Hope you all had a great new year! Jamie xoxo.